Laurie Notaro's 10 Rules for Writing a Book (WARNING: Violence Ahead)
I am living in 1927, in London, Scotland, Paris, and Florida. I ride in Rolls-Royces, wear the jewels from the ancient crown of Poland and Catherine the Great, I am married, divorced, widowed, divorced, I have millions and I have pretty close to nothing. I am a silent screen actress, a beauty contest winner, the heir to a coffee fortune, the richest woman in England. My father was offered the Viceroyship of India and the throne of Albania (which he wisely refused). I stay at Claridge's when in London but in Florida, my mother makes my clothes. I have a new York accent, an English inflection, and an Alabama drawl.
I am writing a book. I am 50 characters and I have six weeks to finish telling their story. I'll make it, but only if my world is kept in precise, perfect order and the rest of the world can stay quiet.
These are the rules for writing a book:
10. Don't ask me if the dog has been fed. Just feed her.
9. Don't text me and ask me how the book is going. If I wrote less than 2,000 words today, it's shitty and I will hit you without provocation.
8. Don't call me and ask me to update my Sears Bullshit Warranty for my washing machine. When I find out who you are, I will suck the eyeballs out of your head and spit them back at you.
7. Don't walk by my house and make the dog bark. Fuckface.
6. Don't e-mail me and ask me how to get a book published. Or how to write the book before getting it published. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT?!!!!!!!
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Phoenix, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.