Besides doing super-fun NON-married stuff like constantly arguing over why -- after five years of dating -- they're not married yet, New Times writer James King and his girlfriend, Christine Arieno, go to the movies.
James: First and foremost: If you're a dude and find yourself in a movie theater watching Sex and the City 2, you'd better have a damn good reason -- i.e., you're reviewing it for a newspaper, you're appeasing a nagging girlfriend, or you've been kidnapped at gunpoint and told if you don't sit quietly and watch these four broads and their (ahem) zany antics, the kidnappers are going to murder your entire family.
Christine: Oh, so that's why you were laughing almost the entire time?
James: I was laughing at the droves of grown women (and some men) in the audience who were compelled to throw on their Manolo Blahniks and hideous $500 cocktail dresses to go see a stupid movie.
Christine: That's because you're a prick. So I take it you didn't like it as much as you liked the first one?
James: A) I saw the first one only to appease you, and B) It was the exact same thing, only set in the Middle East. The blond one's a little slutty, the redhead works too much and "just needs a break," the brunette puts on that whole adorable-ditz routine, and Matthew Broderick's wife just whines about her love life. And, despite having nannies and loads of money, they all just have to get away from their "hectic lives" for some girl time. Spare me.
Christine: They have names, ya know -- Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Carrie. And it's completely different. They're growing up, the problems they have are changing as their lives change -- didn't pick up on that at all, huh?
James: All I picked up on is that the blond one's successfully made the transition from borderline-hot and skanky cougar to dirty, old, menopausal lunatic quite nicely. She spends half the movie reciting tips from Suzanne Somers' guide to menopause and actually uses the phrase "I might throw him a fuck" after talking to her ex-boyfriend. Not to mention she spends half the movie sweating more than Patrick Ewing. Then she nails some stranger she meets at a wedding for two dudes, a wedding that happens to be the gayest wedding in the history of gay people and weddings (complete with a boy's choir and a Liza Minnelli cameo). Then there's the man she later refers to as her "Lawrence of the Labia," and an Australian rugby team! Honestly, how much bare man-ass do we need to see?
Christine: There's no such thing as too much -- as you so eloquently put it -- "bare man-ass," Jim. Samantha is just the comic relief. She seriously didn't make you laugh at all?
James: The only time I laughed was when the brunette fell off a camel and all the girls made fun of her because when she got up her shorts showed the imprint of her -- as they call it -- camel toe. I laughed only because I've seen the infamous, real-life pictures on TMZ of her naked, less-than-lovely lady parts -- and when the camel toe was brought up I thought to myself, "Wow, they're really gonna open that whole bag?" Check it out here, it looks like a sad, bearded clown mouth.
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Christine: The movie is just the next chapter in the lives of four women to whom a lot of women can relate.
James: Wait a minute -- wasn't the whole point of this entire show these four women's search for love and marriage and all that crap? Now they have all that stuff and they're still miserable. Lesson learned: You people (females) will never be happy.
Christine: I was happy I got to see the movie before all of my friends.
James: That makes one of us.