The 15 Best One-Liners of Louis C.K.

For 20 years, stand-up comic Louis C.K. has shocked, offended, and connected with audiences around the globe. His vulgar material is nothing short of hilarious as the comic continues to stun fans with new knee-slapping routines.

After postponing his originally scheduled Phoenix visit in December, Louis C.K. decided to move the dates to early February with plans to film his next HBO special, which will be hosted at Celebrity Theater February 15 and 16. Here are a few of our favorite one-liners of Louis C.K.:

See also: - The 13 Best One-Liners of William Shatner - Tonight: Comedian Jackie Kashian Comes to Monkey Pants Bar in Tempe - King Louis

15. There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

14. Every day starts, my eyes open, and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go "ugh...."

13. I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

12. A man will rip off your arm and throw it into a river, but he will leave you as a human being intact. He won't mess with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.


11. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.

10. How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!

9. I'm buying a the airport...I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right?. Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from you can say "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fuckin' eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.

8. Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

7. But my dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!



My body has no sexual meaning anymore, so if I can make people laugh with it, at least it's being used.

5. There are two types of people in this world; People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars.

4. I wake up covered with three kinds of shame glaze just covering my body.

3. You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

2. Here's the difference to me between boys and girls; boys fuck things up and girls are fucked up.

1. You got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know? It means stupid.

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Celebrity Theatre

440 N. 32nd St.
Phoenix, AZ 85008-6205


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