Monday, December 5, 2011 at 3:30 p.m.
In Etsy's holiday shop, ugly is not in short supply. There are countless creepy Santas made from papier mache and dozens of "up"cycled wreathes that have seen better days in the can. Today, we're looking at ornaments, and we're not ashamed to admit that we're scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Here are the nine ugliest holiday ornaments on Etsy, along with price information and their creator's descriptions (and our translations).
9. Whimsical Labrador Dog Christmas Santa Claus Ornament -- $22
Etsy Description: Cute ornament sculpted with bakers clay, baked for hours to give it the right hardening. Hand painted with acrylic paints, antique then varnished. New but made to look old vintage.
Translation: "Bakers clay," huh? No turd polishing here. Nope.
8. Spiral Shell Christmas Ornament with Gold Ribbon -- $3
Description: Beautiful spiral shell makes a delicate and elegant Christmas ornament. Gold ribbon makes it easy to hang on your Christmas Tree!
Translation: This shit is easy! Paint a shell! Put a bow on it! Hang it on the tree!
7. Four-Pack of Twilight Series Glitter Christmas Ornaments -- $40
Description: The perfect gift for any Twilight fan. Comes tied with ribbon for hanging.
Translation: Have a few friends who like Twilight? They'll understand glittery balls are worth at least $40.
6. Thumbs Up/Down Christmas Ornament -- $12
Want to show your loved ones that you'll do absolutely anything to decorate that tree? Finally you can adequately express your Christmas feelings with this super cool thumb ornament! This life sized thumb, in Medium skin, comes with a bright red bow and ornament hanger to make decorating the tree a breeze!
Translation: Want to give your new boyfriend a quick heads up on just how much you like Christmas, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and the last season of Bones? This super cool ornament does all three, and while you figure out how to hang the digits, he'll have just enough time to slip out the back door.
5. Miniature Christmas ornament that looks like a miniature version of your pet -- $35
Honor your pet this holiday season with a custom, one-of-a-kind Christmas ornament! Sizes range from 2 inches in diameter to 5 inches. These also make great gifts for a pet lover!
Translation: Holy shit! My cat hacks up hair balls that look just like pugs with sweaters. Get the camera!
4. Shabby Chic Christmas Ornament -- $25
Description: Add shabby chic décor to your holiday trimmings with this one of a kind senasmiles Christmas Ornament. Unique in every way, this Paper Jewel Christmas ornament features up-cycled rustic twine, specks of glitter and hand-painted paper in hues of cranberry red and white.
Translation: Don't you just LOVE shabby chic? Just take a bunch of sequins and glittery string and hot glue it all to a foam ball a ribbon. This gem is uniquely able to catch fire and will turn your tree lovely, bright hues of orange and black.
3. Gothic Christmas Ornament Vampire Art Doll Head -- $45
Description: Whimpering Willy is so goth, dresses like a vampire and cries to get the ladies... I think it works, he has many girls in love with him, myself included. :)
: A voodoo love head hanging from any tree is fucking festive -- at least that's what Whimpering Willy said. Sigh.
2. Personalized Tiny Turtle Miniature Christmas Ornament $10.95
Replace: Same as above! (Just replace "turtle" with "penis.")
1. Art Doll, "Chloe," with Ornament Body -- $475
Translation: Need help celebrating the holiday? For a cool $475, Chloe will kill it, er, you .. er, it. Bring it on!