The Six Creepiest Things Laurie Notaro Saw on Facebook Last Week

Laurie Notaro is an author, crafter, and expert at finding a good cocktail. She grew up in Phoenix, but is currently based in Eugene, Oregon. Each week, she'll be joining us to share a crafting adventure, draw a flowchart, or remember a few of her favorite things about Phoenix. Today, she takes a look at the creepy Facebook behaviors she's seen in the past week.

If the Internet is the seventh circle of hell as I believe it to be, then Facebook is without question its reigning five-star general. There's no doubt that the social network swamp is the first in the goosestep, leading its troops into a swirling bottomless pit of cringes, things that cannot be unseen, and peeks at humanity that result in a creep factor worthy of Hieronymus Bosch.

We've all had our share reading of gasp-eliciting status updates from People You Thought Knew Better, but when it comes to setting the lowest common denominator, leave it to Facebook to repeatedly drop the bar. Again. And again. And again. It's rapidly becoming my "go-to" spot when my hope for mankind (seeing people wash their hands after going to the bathroom, that Wal-Mart hasn't run Target out of business yet, or when a stranger lets me pet their puppy) does anything but flat line and I haven't felt raw despair for roughly 30 seconds.

Without a hitch, Facebook plants me firmly back in my place and reminds me that for every six-week old Australian Shepherd with a wagging tail, there's someone who can't wait to tell me that 12 people got killed in a movie theater because there's no prayer time in public schools. Which brings us to the six creepiest things I've seen on Facebook this week:

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6. Chick-Fil-H8 I fully, 100 percent support gay marriage. I do. I do. I do. What I do not support is the use of any fried food to do the bidding in a whacked-out political game on either side of the fence. Leave the fried chicken breast alone! What's a little flour and oil done to anybody?

I haven't seen this much stupidity since the era of Freedom Fries and the boycott on Brie cheese and French wine, which really wasn't a boycott at all since the President brand (the kind you get at Walgreen's in a triangle-shaped plastic coffin for $3.99) is made is Wisconsin and Republican wine pretty much is, too. Not that I don't love Wisconsin, because I do--they have fried chicken breaded in Cap'n Crunch and I am not lying--but I want my cheese to be more well traveled than I am.

Back off the fried food, please. Pick something that deserves it, like fig leaves or unleavened bread. Pick a Bible food as long as we're playing that field, but fried chicken never did anything to anybody except clog a couple of arteries and maybe cause some self-injecting around meal time. All I'm saying is that you CAN'T CO-OPT A COMFORT FOOD BECAUSE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S RIGHTS. That's all I'm saying.


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