Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.
I have this weird thing I do in the bedroom.
I ask my partners to get tested.
It's sad that this has become the bizarre thing to do in bed, considering all the crazy sexual shenanigans that can happen behind closed and (for those who had an unfortunate college roommate situation) not-so-closed doors.
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I feel like the hall monitor of hanky panky, because more often than not, the reaction I get from guys is not exactly a positive one. Men get offended. They tell me I'm weird (like I didn't know that already, psh), they get angry, and they threaten to walk away. Which in all honesty, isn't really a threat. Nobody does me better than me, and I'm pretty sure most women feel the same.
So here's my advice, gentlemen. If a woman asks you to get tested, please, take it as a compliment because it means she's assuming you've actually been laid.
And ladies, same goes for you. If a guy asks you to get tested, do it. Then call me so I can confirm that the world has officially turned upside down.
I've had friends tell me that asking a guy to get tested is invasive and rude. More invasive than sticking your dick inside someone? More rude than giving them herpes? It may not have been featured in Emily Post's Etiquette, but trust me, giving someone an STD is more offensive than asking them a slightly uncomfortable question about their health.
As for protection, condoms are like your shitty bare-bones insurance plan. They don't protect you against everything, and when you find out you're not covered, you're fucked. You'll be paying out of pocket and out of your vagina for the indefinite, and possibly burning, future.
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Oh, and one more note about the condoms. Dudes, what's with buying the condoms that are a size too big? Is it so women will ask you if you lost weight? Sure, everybody wants to be an XL or a Magnum but not being comfortable in your own skin and pretending to be something you're not is just going to make your penis look like it's playing dress-up in his father's trench coat or suffocating in a garbage bag.
Be accepting of your body and the fact that someone may or may not want you to get that body tested. It's not because they think you live in a dumpster of discarded hypodermic needles, or spent your early years as a bargain prostitute in the Third World, they just want to have sex with you and not wake up to a fire crotch in the morning.
And for the minority of us who are the ones asking, remember, if the other person is a complete dick about it, you can tell him or her to go fuck themselves. Literally. Because you're not going to do it.