"Please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full, upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins."
Ah, the friendly service of the skies -- if only they didn't mind tending to your every stupid travel need or breathing the same recirculated air.
The flight attendant we spoke to -- let's call him Randy, so he doesn't lose his current job -- likes his gig at 30,000 feet (for the most part) and has no intention of screaming profanities, popping the emergency exit, grabbing a beer and escaping down the inflatable slide.
But he admits there are a few things about the job that make a dramatic exit tempting ...
- "Oh stewardess!" "Oh steward!"
It's not 1970. The proper term is "flight attendant." While we're at it, keep your hands to yourself. Poking me in the butt, gut, back, sides or any other body part is not okay. "Excuse me sir" works.
- Are you really carrying that on?
We've had people bring on frozen food, space-consuming camera tripods that won't collapse and toilets. Just check them.
- It's not going to fit. Really.
If you want to bring it, you can swing it up there yourself. Yes, we understand you might have an ailment that impends you from lifting all that weight, but we might, too. If you can't do it yourself, you can't expect someone else to do it for you.
- Secretaries in the sky.
I have no capability or authority to [call and ask them to hold your connecting flight if we're running late]. I don't have a computer. I'm not God. I can't make them hold a flight for one person.
- What's the meal option on my 50-minute flight from Phoenix to LA.?
This is post-9/11. The airlines are struggling to stay in business. I'm sorry that I don't have a five-course steak and lobster dinner to serve you ...
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- Yes, we're out of Asian chicken salad.
Please don't pitch a fit if I've run out of your meal choice by the time I get to your seat in the last row of the cabin. I'm sorry. It's not my fault. I just work here.
- There's a light for that.
If we're sitting down, that means passengers should be, too.
- Barefoot bathroom break.
You might want to put some shoes on, because it's not always water on the floor ...