Winter Fashion Don'ts for Phoenix
Too Much Fur
Hey, it's winter. A little bit of cozy fur is great for the inside of a coat collar or on the end of a scarf. But sporting He-Man boots with a full fur coat and hat will make you look like an ass. We live in lizard country, not bear country, remember?
How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
Huge Civil War Era-Lookin' Beard
Many guys make the sad mistake of using cold weather as an excuse to forgo facial hair maintenance. Unfair! How would guys like it if the ladies used winter as an excuse to stop shaving their parts? Come on, dudes, trim that bush.
Let's be realistic here: This trend takes a lot of fashion prowess to not make the wearer look like a complete whore. Phoenix, we're just not there yet. If you want to wear them, book a trip to New York, observe how those ladies do it, and try it there.
Leggings or Jeggings as Pants (Conditional)
Don't wear them if your shirt or sweater does not cover at least 3/4 of your butt. This isn't yoga class, it's the real world. Don't wear them unless you have a cute ass. Thin or heavyset, leggings as pants are only for those whose tushies are smooth and shapely. Don't wear them if your underwear lines show through. This should be a no-brainer but we still see this around town. Stop, please!
The All-Star Comedy Explosion
TicketsSat., Apr. 15, 8:00pm
An American in Paris
TicketsTue., Apr. 18, 7:30pm
Rancho Solano Preparatory School: Fiddler on the Roof Jr.
TicketsThu., Apr. 27, 7:00pm
Beauty and the Beast by Ballet Etudes
TicketsSat., Apr. 29, 2:00pm
Thunder From Down Under
TicketsThu., May. 4, 8:00pm
We put up with this trend last year and while certain folks can pull this off, the vast majority of you look like idiots. Especially the dudes. And especially if your baggy beanie is a neutral color (this rule goes for all beanies, BTW). Things just start to look fleshy and saggy...which is really not the visual association your clothing should make. In other words, get that scrotum off your head.
Unfortunately, this happens in Phoenix. We've all seen the gaggle of girls on a Saturday night wearing sleeveless mini dresses. We realize this is an attempt to look hot and sexy in spite of the cold. Ladies, there's nothing attractive about a girl hunched over, shivering, with goose bumps all over her wintery dry skin. Cover that mess up.
Scarf Plus Tank Top
This is just downright offensive. First, tank tops should not be worn in winter unless they are your first layer. Second, a fluffy scarf should be paired with other fluffy or warm-looking clothes. The winter scarf plus tank top happens a lot in Phoenix and it makes us look like fashion morons.
Oh, God! Put those things away!
This is the ultimate offense to winter fashion in Phoenix. Come on! Do you even care? About anything? Flip-flops should not be worn after September, period, end of story. Also, if you have the audacity to wear flip-flops in winter, you're probably the kind of person who does not take care of your feet. Guess what? No one wants to see your scraggle pads with chipped toenail polish and hang-nails at any time of the year, let alone in winter.
This is a plea to the nation to stop wearing these hideous things. Can we move on already? There's no better way to show how fashionably stunted we are than to sport these clunkers. Remember in America's Next Top Model when the judges slammed one of the contestants for choosing to wear UGGs? You don't? That's probably because IT HAPPENED IN 2004!
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about upcoming performances, exhibitions, openings and special events happening in the Phoenix art and theater scene.