Wooden Vaginas and Baby Bottles: The Six Worst Custom Pipes Ever (NSFW)

Custom pipes and bongs can be beautiful, almost approaching "high art" in their craftsmanship. But like any medium, there's always going to be a handful of abominations good for only gasps and giggles. It's baffling enough that somebody would want to make something like a combination sex toy/pipe, but even...

By Niki D'Andrea

August 15, 2011

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Custom pipes and bongs can be beautiful, almost approaching "high art" in their craftsmanship. But like any medium, there's always going to be a handful of abominations good for only gasps and giggles. It's baffling enough that somebody would want to make something like a combination sex toy/pipe, but even more confounding that people actively seek out and buy stuff like that -- for a lot of money, sometimes.

From genitalia sculptures to pediatric materials recycling, here are six of the worst custom pipes ever.

Baby bottle bongs: Stoners have been recycling things to make pipes for years -- cardboard toilet paper rolls, aluminum cans, apples, baby food jars, beer bottles -- but perhaps the most disturbing D.I.Y. pipes are the ones made from real baby bottles, with straws or hoses for mouth pieces. Maybe it's not so bad when someone goes to the store and buys new, clear bottles to use, but recycled baby bottle bongs are just bizarre. Especially when they've got butterflies or stars or some other kiddie theme on them. Not to mention, it makes us think of adult babies (among other things).

Butthead Loves Hello Kitty: We found this, uh, thing online at the Museum of Kitsch. It depicts a pop culture coupling (doggie style) between Butthead (straining from behind) and Hello Kitty (looking startled in his lap). It's pretty funny (in a vulgar sort of way), but seriously, you would have to be high to smoke anything out of this.

Pistol bongs: Pipes that look like guns? Well, they'd go well with fake grenade lighters, but it would take several hundred words to count the ways this is a bad idea, not counting the morbidity of sucking on the end of a gun, even if it's a pink plastic prop gun. Pink guns do damage, too, as we saw when a Phoenix man shot his penis with his girlfriend's feminine firearm recently. Really, what's the point of this?

Penis pipes: Speaking of penises, it turns out, there's a market for pipes and bongs shaped like penises (the ones with balls for stand-up bases are particularly popular). Again, we're back to an image of somebody sucking on the end of something. On the upside, a woman would never have to worry about her boyfriend or husband ever using her pipe.

Homemade "cat stuffer" bong: Remember that national news story about the Nebraska asshole who stuffed his kitten into a bong and smoked a bowl with the feline trapped inside? Well, the bong he used was a homemade box, 12 inches by 6 inches (pictured). Not only is it epic stupid to stuff a cat into a bong, but the square box with duct tape all around it isn't even efficient for smoking.

Vagina pipes: Talk about girl power! Ceramic penis pipes are selling for a couple hundred bucks, but vagina pipes are really all the rage. Hand-carved, wooden vagina pipes like the one pictured sell for around $700 to $1,000. On the downside, wooden vagina pipes would be harder to keep clean than ceramic penis bongs.

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Niki D'Andrea has covered subjects including drug culture, women's basketball, pirate radio stations, Scottsdale staycations, and fine wine. She has worked at both New Times and Phoenix Magazine, and is now a freelancer.

Contact: Niki D'Andrea