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2004 Stories by Stephen Lemons

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  • Beats 'n' Blunts

    published March 25, 2004

    That Big Playboy in the sky works in mysterious ways. The Lesbian Johnny Knoxville and I had chosen to ride on Minder Binder's ska-punk Thursdays,... More >>

  • Noodle Noshin'

    published March 18, 2004

    Pardon my language, but all of these low-carb-South Beach-Atkins fanatics can take a giant bite out of my billowy boxers. Why, I'm as dyspeptic as... More >>

  • Dubious Degas

    published March 18, 2004

    The ads running in Phoenix's local media couldn't be more straightforward, and seemingly guileless. Beneath a photo of one of the art world's most... More >>

  • RenFest Retch

    published March 11, 2004

    Oh, the things I do for my beloved public! I was at home the other day, enjoying a bottle of Shiraz, nibbling on a hunk of Kerrygold Dubliner... More >>

  • Got Milkshake?

    published March 11, 2004

    It was eye-popping: Countless teenage bimbettes in low-cut jeans or short pleated skirts and provocative tops. If I had a dollar for every... More >>

  • Lush Luau

    published March 4, 2004

    Drift Polynesian Restaurant and Tiki Lounge, , More >>

  • Gaybangin'

    published March 4, 2004

    Ever since blowing into this desiccated town from El Lay's relatively humid climes, a number of fellow lowlifes have told me about a notorious... More >>

  • Hype-Happy

    published February 26, 2004

    My personal mantra in all things culinary and cultural mimics that wry, clock-wearing philosopher of yore, Public Enemy's Flava Flav, who was fond... More >>

  • Freaknik Flossin'

    published February 26, 2004

    All you P-town ballers grab a pencil and take notes: Kreme and Jett don't go anywhere before 10 p.m. Maybe if the Legislature ever gets off its... More >>

  • Hog Heaven

    published February 19, 2004

    As you might surmise from my pork-lovin' Tar Heel roots, there's nothing I adore more than a mass of shredded swine. But here in the desert, so... More >>

  • Hot Pink Perdition

    published February 19, 2004

    The dance floor at Hot Pink squirms like an orgy with clothes: Women and men, women and women, men and men and a number of more complicated... More >>

  • Bottom Feeding

    published February 12, 2004

    Whenever St. Valentine's Day draws near, my thoughts turn to cod. True, there initially may seem nothing so unromantic as the humble Gadus... More >>

  • Loungin' With Lucifer

    published February 12, 2004

    Ten o'clock in P-town, my second Ketel One on the rocks, and still no sign of Jett. Wonder what's keeping that bee-ahtch? Not that I wouldn't be... More >>

  • Cursed . . .

    published February 5, 2004

    More >>

  • Colangelo's Kitchen

    published January 29, 2004

    For whatever blasted reason, my missteps have been costing me beaucoup simoleons of late. So I thought I'd share these with you that you might... More >>

  • Dying on the Vine

    published January 22, 2004

    Pardon me for saying so, but I'm beginning to wonder if some folks in this town need their craniums checked for nests of field mice. Of course, by... More >>

  • Couscous Ca-choo!

    published January 15, 2004

    I was puttering about in my housecoat and slippers the other day, listening to Puccini's Turandot and fiddling with my collection of... More >>

  • Gizzard Gluttony

    published January 8, 2004

    Scripture informs us that a prophet is never welcome in his own country, and the same holds true for exceptional individuals in one's own... More >>

  • Volare, Oh No!

    published January 1, 2004

    For good or ill, it was Dean Martin who led me to Pronto Ristorante. Not that I mean Ol' Pink Eyes himself arose from his grave to guide me, drink... More >>

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