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2005 Stories by Stephen Lemons

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  • ¡Tortas Gigantes!

    published September 29, 2005

    I have been to the mountaintop, and, yes, I've eaten it, because that's just the kind of guy I am. The edible pinnacle of which I speak is as... More >>

  • Warehouse of Wickedness

    published September 29, 2005

    It's sometime between 11 and midnight, and I'm seated at the bar of the "air patio" at e4 ( More >>

  • Hurts So Good

    published September 22, 2005

    Unless you have a tongue made of cast iron and a mouth lined with ceramic tiles, the clear noodle salad at Sala Thai Restaurant on 32nd Street, a... More >>

  • Blood Hound

    published September 15, 2005

    FRI 9/16The Prince of Motherfucking Darkness: That's the literary epithet that author John Gilmore has earned after a lifetime spent... More >>

  • Chain Gang

    published September 15, 2005

    Are all restaurant chains doomed to suck eggs like Old Yeller? Not necessarily. It's hard to find fault with a Chambord margarita from Z'Tejas,... More >>

  • SuperMix Saturday

    published September 15, 2005

    "Jesus H. Christ on a crutch!" I cry as I ease our whip a block south of the downtown Phoenix arts venue .anti_space at 815 West Madison Street.... More >>

  • The View From Vu

    published September 8, 2005

    Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: That's what -- poof -- appears in my cranium like a two-bit magician behind a puff of smoke as I... More >>

  • Moore's the Merrier

    published September 8, 2005

    Maybe it was watching Tommy Lee get tutored by that hot blonde in Tommy Lee Goes to College that inspired us. Or maybe it was just cruising... More >>

  • Tables Turned

    published September 1, 2005

    My nostrils are so filled with the stink of keister-kissing by the other restaurant critics in this city that I long for nothing more than the... More >>

  • To-ga! To-ga!

    published September 1, 2005

    "There's more white cloth in here than a Klan meetin' in Georgia!" I spit as we cross the threshold of Old Town Scottsdale's Dos Gringos for the... More >>

  • Tower of Pizza

    published August 25, 2005

    The most superlative pizza I've ever scarfed was from storefront pizzerias in Manhattan and Brooklyn, usually after stumbling out of some tavern.... More >>

  • Ladies' Night

    published August 25, 2005

    "First off, no pullin' out your 'man,'" Mr. Luscious informs his fellow male strippers, minutes before they take to the Celebrity Theatre's stage... More >>

  • Dim Sum Days

    published August 18, 2005

    The only deity I've ever had a personal affinity for is that corpulent, jolly "buddha" with a small "b" known as Jin Foo, Bu Dai, or Hotei,... More >>

  • Flan Fanatic

    published August 11, 2005

    Flan is one of those desserts people pooh-pooh, as if its production seems too simple, or its presence in a Southwestern town like ours too... More >>

  • Speed Demonology

    published August 11, 2005

    The quarter-mile drag-racing track at Speedworld Raceway Park is sticky from burnt tires, and exhaust fills our lungs like we've been puffin' Pall... More >>

  • Grade Inflation

    published August 4, 2005

    I'm at a sushi bar the other day, waiting for the chef to finish up some toro nigiri for me, when I decide to pay the raw-fish maestro a... More >>

  • Street Regal

    published August 4, 2005

    I'm in the back of Louis XIV's tour bus as the San Diego group's front man Jason Hill is knocking out a new composition on acoustic guitar on the... More >>

  • Rib-Tickler

    published July 28, 2005

    No slight intended to that toddlin' town of Mesa, but few are the delectations that would motivate me to drive down to that burg in... More >>

  • Jumbo Lovin'

    published July 28, 2005

    "Hey, where's the buffet?!" cries the Mandy Moore of P-town, otherwise known as Her Regal Jettiness, as we saunter into the Scottsdale sports bar... More >>

  • Tepid Tapas

    published July 21, 2005

    If I were not duty-bound to visit a restaurant more than once before reviewing it, I never would have returned to Scottsdale's Tapas after my... More >>

  • Hangover Helper

    published July 21, 2005

    So I roll up on the Jettster's crib to pick her up for another night of pimpin' in tha PHX, and I find her parked on the couch in her raggedy... More >>

  • Urban Legends

    published July 14, 2005

    Does anyone else cringe when they hear of Mayor Phil Gordon's front porch benches and how they're now greeting visitors at Sky Harbor Airport? The... More >>

  • Sports Bar Saucy

    published July 14, 2005

    Once in a blue moon, the Jettster and I catch hell from some fossilized old feminist who hasn't worn a bra since 1973, doesn't shave her... More >>

  • Crazy Love

    published July 7, 2005

    I feel like kicking up my heels à la Tom Cruise and pumping my fist for joy. That's right, I'm in love, and I don't care how dirty I get... More >>

  • Neo-Retro-Sexy-Cool

    published July 7, 2005

    It's 100 degrees at midnight, we're chokin' on smoke from the nearby wildfires, payday is a week away, and the streets are infested with crazed... More >>

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