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2006 Stories by Stephen Lemons

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  • Tards in Cyberspace

    published Dec 30, 2006

    Yo, Lani, got a last-minute Xmas gift for ya... What pisses me off more than PHX light-rail construction, Mayor Phil "I'm a Pissant" Gordon, and the fact that most P-town restaurants clos... More >>

  • Tranny Echo

    published Dec 29, 2006

    Heh, not every gal has one of these... No surprise that this week's issue of the PHX gay-lesbian rag Echo includes a news story on the feud between Tom Anderson of Anderson's Fifth Estate ... More >>

  • P-Town Provincialism 101

    published Dec 28, 2006

    Fernwood 2Nite's Barth Gimble (Martin Mull, left) and Jerry Hubbard (Fred Willard, right). Think Greg Patterson's a fan? How do you know when someone's brain has been gnawed away by pro... More >>

  • Tranny-Gate

    published December 28, 2006

    Talk about The Crying Game! For the past month, Scottsdale club owner Tom Anderson of Anderson's Fifth Estate and local "diversity... More >>

  • Global Orgasm

    published Dec 22, 2006

    Can someone cue Billy Idol's "Dancing with Myself," please? This is so amazingly retarded that I couldn't leave it alone. According this dumbass website, today is Global Orgasm Day, where... More >>

  • Land o' Larry

    published Dec 21, 2006

    Enter Flynt, and the crowd roars, "Lar-ry, Lar-ry!" A spontaneous chant, full of the sort of her0-worship normally reserved for the likes of Jerry Springer or Howard Stern: "Lar-ry, L... More >>

  • Joe Strikes Back

    published December 21, 2006

    It's been obvious to The Bird for a long time that Sheriff Joe Arpaio despises New Times. Why else would he violate the Arizona... More >>

  • Joe Strikes Back

    published December 21, 2006

    It's been obvious to The Bird for a long time that Sheriff Joe Arpaio despises New Times. Why else would he violate the Arizona... More >>

  • Kiss My Ashes Wednesday

    published Dec 20, 2006

    www.ashestoportraits.com Dead Ringer: Er, for Paul Giamatti's Harvey Pekar in American Splendor, perhaps? I'm not sure what's creepier about this Ashes to Portraits website, the fact that t... More >>

  • Top Katt Crazy

    published Dec 16, 2006

    Katt Sandwich: from left, the booful Lena Smith, Katt "Money Mike" Williams, and the stunning Vivian Ware of UrbanAz.com. So Luenell, how is Borat in the sack? The Black ... More >>

  • Warren Jeffs' Jane Doe

    published Dec 14, 2006

    Polyg Pope Warren Jeffs, Prez of the FLDS Jane Doe is big news today. She's the gal, now 20, who's pointing the finger in what's sure to be the most significant polygamist prosecution case... More >>

  • Laugh Factory to Seinfeld: Cough Up the Bucks, Bubee!

    published Dec 13, 2006

    Thanks, KKKramer! Nothing like a lil' racism to boost sales. See what race-baiting does? You get caught on a cell-phone camera yelling the N-word at audience members, and suddenly your DVD... More >>

  • Murder City

    published December 14, 2006

    Has it occurred to anyone besides this tweeter that Phoenix may now be better known for serial killers than saguaros? Leaping lapwings, last... More >>

  • Gross-Out

    published Dec 12, 2006

    www.fermier.com Christopher Gross: What's in a name? Check out what Maricopa County's Environmental Services had to say about much-ballyhooed Frenchified grub-shack Christopher's Fermier Br... More >>

  • Double C's Double Ds?

    published Dec 11, 2006

    from Camelback magazine CC Goldwater, never losing a chance to show off the funbags. For CC Goldwater (nee Cynthia Ross), being the granddaughter of Sen. Barry Goldwater is basically a care... More >>

  • No Credit for College Hotties

    published Dec 09, 2006

    www.tempe12.com This Tempe 12 squalie earns an A+, though not all do. OK, so this is basically a made-up controversy that would hardly be worth blogging about if it were not for all the hot... More >>

  • Ryan Rules, AZPunk Still Sucks Donkey

    published Dec 08, 2006

    www.onewordlong.com Ryan Avery: Man-Child in the Promised Land... Nothing steamrolls over one's enemies like success. And as sure as the moon is pockmarked like Artie Lange's buttcheeks, I ... More >>

  • $50 for the "Fucking" Rebel

    published Dec 06, 2006

    William "Fucking" Reed: His middle name ain't "Fucking" for nothin'. We at the New Times, being the bad boys (and girls) of journalism, want to reward those at Get Out attempting to breath... More >>

  • Monkey Love

    published December 7, 2006

    Ever since drug-testing colossus Covance announced its Chandler invasion, this selfish sandpiper's generally sided with the biotech... More >>

  • Fucking Lame

    published Dec 05, 2006

    www.eastvalleytribune.com The Trib's not-so-edgy Get Out, pulled for "fucking." Quiz time, ladies and germs: What old Anglo-Saxon word just cost the East Valley Tribune (owned by Freedom Co... More >>

  • Imam of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

    published Dec 04, 2006

    www.venganza.org Blessed be his holy name... News Flash, Friends and Fiends of the Feathered Bastard: Though I've heretofore self-pigeonholed myself as an agnostic with pro-atheist leanin... More >>

  • Six Imam Fire Sale

    published Dec 01, 2006

    Keep your effin' religion to yourself, no matter what it is... Ever since US Airways kicked six Muslim religious leaders off a flight bound for Phoenix, I've had a lot of fun watching vari... More >>

  • Liberal Losers

    published Nov 30, 2006

    from CNA's web site, Sandy Summers, eat your heart out... Of this week's Bird items, the one closest to my evil lil' cardiac muscle is the victory over the forces of political correctness b... More >>

  • Koetter Carve-Up

    published November 30, 2006

    This pigskin-lovin' pelican knows it's all about winnin' on the gridiron. But even this point-spread-obsessed avian draws the line at — gulp... More >>

  • Pink Paradise

    published Nov 28, 2006

    Photograph from Pink Box (Abrams Books). � Joan Sinclair Another satisfied customer... This past Sunday afternoon prior to climbing in the car for the six hour trek back to P-town, I e... More >>

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