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2006 Stories by Stephen Lemons

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  • Roll Meister

    published May 18, 2006

    I must be paying for the sins of a past life. Why is it every time I locate a new sushi purveyor that I'd like to put into heavy rotation for my... More >>

  • War Games

    published May 18, 2006

    Jett's run off in a corner somewhere at Mardi Gras in Scottsdale, snapping a pic of this squalie's ass, while I'm dodging flailing arms and legs... More >>

  • May Day

    published May 11, 2006

    On paper, the whole concept of tapas must seem a boon to money-grubbing restaurateurs everywhere, which is why nearly every upscale nightclub you... More >>

  • Xtreme Cuisine

    published May 11, 2006

    The warm glow of candlelight suffuses the Wrigley Mansion's grand living room, as George Gershwin's ghost tickles the ivories of an ancient... More >>

  • Cinco de Steve-O

    published May 4, 2006

    The ofays in this town would starve without Mexicans, whether legal, illegal, or full-blown citizens. Seems like just about every eatery in... More >>

  • Biltmore Vegas

    published May 4, 2006

    It's near midnight on a Friday, and IO club owner David Landreville and I are chatting up this lil' pecan-skinned spitfire we'll call "Natalie"... More >>

  • Lasso Me

    published April 27, 2006

    In case you haven't noticed, I've been burning a humongo hole in my billfold the past few weeks, eating out at all these high-dollar grubbaterias,... More >>

  • Molten Gold

    published April 27, 2006

    Don't ask why Jett flaked on me this week. Something about a free eightball and a three-way in Ahwatukee. Not that I blame her. I mean, the last... More >>

  • Commons Killer

    published April 20, 2006

    If there's any place in town that has me daydreaming about bloody guillotines and headless aristocrats, it's Kierland Commons, though my... More >>

  • Hard Evidence

    published April 20, 2006

    The voice crackling over the cell phone belongs to a cat with three days left to live: D12 rapper Proof, Slim Shady's right-hand man, and a... More >>

  • Secret Sharer

    published April 13, 2006

    Halfway through the slightly acidic creaminess of my sorrel bisque, and well into a second bottle of value-priced Pinot Noir with my dining... More >>

  • Mouthful of Midget

    published April 13, 2006

    Chuey the Rock 'n' Roll Midget, a.k.a. "The Satanic Hispanic," scrambles to the middle of the Wheel of Fortune-like board as fast as his... More >>

  • Liège Largess

    published April 6, 2006

    Hoist the Belgian tricolor and strike up that kingdom's national anthem, "La Brabançonne." Chart a course for the ancient port city of... More >>

  • Panic Attack

    published April 6, 2006

    "What the hell is Britpop, anyway, Kreme?" queries the Jettster as I ease the shaggin' wagon into the lot next to Anderson's Fifth Estate... More >>

  • Name Blame

    published March 30, 2006

    I'd have a rough time coining a more idiotic name for a restaurant than "Cocono's," the d.b.a. of the new West Valley venture brought to us by... More >>

  • The Art of Darkness

    published March 23, 2006

    Eyeless sirens trapped in the detritus of urban wastelands. Iconic gas-mask-clad craniums sprouting antlers like human jackalopes. Jigsawed female... More >>

  • Crescent Fresh

    published March 23, 2006

    I've had New Orleans on the cerebrum lately, and not just because the Katrina disaster remains an open sore on the American body politic. I picked... More >>

  • Dream Weaver

    published March 23, 2006

    Paco Paco might've been a drive-thru likker store back in the day. Something about the slanted roof, pointy lit-up sign, and the way the squat... More >>

  • Blarney Boned

    published March 16, 2006

    Holy headcheese, not another freakin' Irish place! Now, don't ruffle your kilts, lads. After all, it is St. Paddy's Day, and this is the only time... More >>

  • Martini Rocks

    published March 16, 2006

    Four hours before showtime, and Justin Warfield, the lead singer of the neo-New Wave band She Wants Revenge, has his hands all over some chick's... More >>

  • Pogue Mahone

    published March 9, 2006

    Irish Disneylands? You bet they exist. Actually, I'm as sure that Shane MacGowan likes his Jameson that you've been to one. Hard to avoid 'em in... More >>

  • Uni Vision

    published March 2, 2006

    Outstanding sushi in the wiles of the northwest Valley? Yeah, right. Now you'll be telling me that President Bush has been secretly planning to... More >>

  • Dubplate Divas

    published March 2, 2006

    A high-pitched cackle and a black strip of thong. That's what DJ Lady Tribe and I hear and see from the back door of downtown's Brickhouse... More >>

  • Killing Me Softly

    published February 23, 2006

    Would it trouble you terribly if I told you that I'm guilty of murder? The murder of a strapping, dark-haired chap, whom I'd only just met in... More >>

  • Caramel Kisses

    published February 23, 2006

    "Damn, Kreme, peep all the chicas calientes and fly papis in line to get into Coach & Willie's," spits the still-switch-hittin' Shakira of the... More >>

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