If you want to win a cute, little pink elephant with a dildo tied to its back, then this is the place for you. The Toy House (we like to call it simply The Crane Game) is a staple at many dives across the country. We really don't get it. What's the allure? We're going to "win" something after spending five hours and $40 at the bar when really, we should have been picking up Junior from band practice? Damn, we're in the dog house, but wait, a pink elephant will change all of this and we won't have to work so hard on the missus if we can untie the dildo off its back. (Hey! two gifts in one. She'll love it.)

The Crane Game at Westside is chock-full of stuffed animals, but most have a thong tied to them, or at least a titty keychain. If you're childless, don't despair! For you, there's an adult DVD called Be Cumming a Teenager, or, since you forgot the Fixodent, you can win a cock nose and glasses that lights up and blinks for Grandma.

Seriously, if you think bringing a cheesy gift to your wife, girlfriend, or kid is going to make them forgive you for being an alcoholic . . . Well, then you are one! Better off getting drunk and not going home — fuck it all! Are you really happy there, anyway?