An Israel for Rednecks
Just back from a three-day weekend in La-La Land, where you can't help but be struck by how far more ethnically diverse the City of Angels is than the PHX. Angelenos are not nearly as worked up over illegal immigration as many Sand Landers seem to be, though L.A. is undoubtedly filled to the brim with illegal immigrants. What gives? My theory is that Angelenos, other than being a lot more liberal in general, are too frickin' busy to worry about something that doesn't harm them. Just look at their freeways jam-packed with cars. They've got places to go, people to see, money to make. The rednecks in Sand Land, however, seem to have far too much time on their hands. Apparently, going to gun shows and tinkerin' with their trucks ain't enough to keep them occupied. Idle hands do the devil's work, and that's why they waste so much time railing against undocumented workers who're here in AZ busting their asses, causing these nitwit nativists zero trouble in the process.
Since these reactionary pinheads will never be satisfied until the 20 million illegals among us are displaced, and since this is very unlikely to occur, I have a solution: Let's ship out all of our xenophobes like KTAR's Darrell Ankarlo and Rep. Russell Pearce and send them to a redneck Israel, sort of. I suggest we cut off a piece of Montana or North Dakota, and send them all there via train or Chevy caravan. Thing is, once they're there, playing with their rifles, burning crosses and the like, we may have to erect a 50-foot high electric fence around them to keep the brutes clear of our women and children. But I'd argue that this would still be easier than sending back 20 million illegals to their home countries. And the rednecks could inbreed amongst their own kind and never be bothered with dealing with anyone who doesn't look, talk or act like them.
Now Israel was founded for far more enlightened reasons, obviously, so using that state as a metaphor is somewhat unfair. But we have to do something with the dumbass bigots here in the 'Zona and elsewhere, and this is the best I can envision for them. These folks tend to not like Jews either, so we'll have to call it something else, like Redneck England, for instance, to get them to go quietly. Then the rest of us can live in a sophisticated, egalitarian polyglot society. Whatdya say? It's worth a shot. And it would certainly be worth the inevitable loss of Nascar, chewing tobacco and Charlie Daniels to the newly created nation state.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.