Jan Brewer Times Three? Ten Reasons Jan Should Run for an Unconstitutional Third Term
Well, you are what you eat...
Jan Brewer cannot run for governor again. There is no wiggle room in the Arizona Constitution. And if she tries, she is guaranteed to kiss the canvas with her plastic-surgery-gone-wrong gob, slapped down by the Arizona Supreme Court.
This bitter old hag's time in the spotlight is over. She is little more than a self-serving party hack who lucked her way onto the 9th Floor when Governor Janet Napolitano abandoned Sand Land for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.
How did GED Jan get elected on her own? She signed Senate Bill 1070 and rode a wave of anti-Mexican bigotry and hysteria into office.
It's a burro she continues to flog with cheap, racist stunts like denying driver's licenses to DREAM Act-eligible kids who benefit from President Obama's Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals.
Which further seals the fate of our scotch-lovin' chief exec in the eyes of history.
All this idiot cares about is getting her hateful mug on Fox News, having stories written about her, scoring donations to JanPAC, selling her lie-filled memoir Scorpions for Breakfast, and convincing the gullible that she remains relevant
Those in the gullible category include journalists in this state and beyond who continue to fall for an old con perfected to a tee by Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
More times than I can remember, Arpaio has suggested that he might run for governor.
Joe then milks this line for as long as he can, and when the moment of truth comes, surprise, surprise, he doesn't run.
Personally, I'd love for Sand Land's imbecile-in-chief to attempt a third term. Her fellow Rs would eat her alive, and it would seriously mess up her political guru Chuck Coughlin of Highground Public Affairs, who plans to run Mesa Mayor Scott Smith for the 9th Floor in 2014.
So I want to encourage our grammar-challenged guv to throw caution to the cactus and give it a go.
Sure, she'll be wasting taxpayer money in the process by forcing Arizona Secretary of State and gubernatorial hopeful Ken Bennett to fight her in court. But it will allow me to rake her over the coals some more. And which is more important, really?
C'mon, Jan. How much time can you spend in Rocky Point with your fat chiropractor hubby before you expire of boredom?
No one will kiss your wrinkled fanny once you're out of office. And if you don't have work as an excuse, you might actually have to visit your criminally insane son Ron in the state bughouse.
Here then are the top ten reasons Jan Brewer should try for an unconstitutional third term. Run, Jan, run!
10) Because she "have did" so much for Arizona.
9) So she can try that pull-my-finger joke on Obama again.
8) Then she can teach Channel 3's Dennis Welch how to take a punch.
7) So even stupid kids know they can grow up to be governor some day.
6) Because her face doubles as a topographical map of Arizona.
5) So she can finish her second book on state time: How To Drive Drunk, Get Away With It and Live to Find Headless Bodies in the Desert.
4) It's her reward for endorsing Obama for President.
3) So she can make more secret gub'mint trips to Afghanistan to kick Taliban ass.
2) Because no one cares what that dumb state constitution says, Ken Bennett.
And the number one reason Jan should run for Guv again:
1) Because someone needs to piss on innocent brown kids and compare them to drunk drivers, and she's just the white trash scum queen to do it.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Phoenix New Times' biggest stories.