Joe Arpaio "Announces" Re-Election Bid, the Money-Grubbing Part, Anyway
A "civil rights" investigation?! Who the heck does the president think he is?
He just took you for $100 million in protected taxpayer funds.
You are one of the following:
1) a senile ol' coot skerred of Messcans
2) a tebagging piece of white trash with a do-rag and a Harley
3) a rich Republican goober like Steve Ellman
4) a GOP hack looking for an endorsement.
Whether a little or a lot, there's money in your britches, and this candidate's sleazy political adviser Chad Willems wants your cash, even though his client's got $3 million in the campaign kitty as of last count.
Why would drug lords care about Joe? The MCSO prefers maids and gardners over smugglers of drugs and humans.
I'm talkin' 'bout Maricopa County's still-unindicted "shurf" Arpaio, whose re-election effort recently mass-mailed a jeremiad from Joe detailing how President Obama has this here "civil rights" investigation going on into his office, so he needs all your greenbacks, and now. Chop-chop.
The liberals, the open-borders activists, the ACLU, and the left-wing media, they're all out to get him. So you need to take out that checkbook right now, and give till it hurts. Cash that Social Security chack grandma, Joe needs the loot.
Joe knows, there's a sucker born every minute, and when they get old, they go to Sun City.
Why, there's even a $1 million bounty on his head, offered by the drug cartels, the lefties, the Democrats, or someone.
Actually, that's all in Joe's noggin', put there by his PR staff. Oh, I'm sure he believes it. But I've written many times about how there's never been a bona fide threat against our loony lawman, his claims to contrary notwithstanding.
(The most infamous of these fake death threat involved James Saville, who was arrested, held for years, and finally tried and acquitted for a bogus bomb plot Arpaio and his now-fired Chief Deputy David Hendershott fed to the media. Saville sued. Scored more than $1 million in a settlement.)
See, Arpaio has to prove he's "America's toughest sheriff." And arresting undocumented moms working at the local dry cleaner doesn't quite fit the bill.
It's a freaking chain letter, for cryin' out loud...
Hence, the non-existent assassination plots.
The four classes of individuals listed above venerate Arpaio like some modern-day Moloch, to whom they must sacrifice their firstborn.
This is what we'll be up against in 2012. Whoever takes on Joe will need more than five smooth stones to slay this Golaith.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Phoenix New Times' biggest stories.