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Joe Arpaio's Top Ten Reasons for Wanting to Be a Neo-Confederate

Heh, wait till Ava sees me in this getup...
Heh, wait till Ava sees me in this getup...

Sheriff Joe Arpaio thinks it's an honor to be called KKK, remember?

So why is anyone surprised that in 2011 he accepted the Sons of Confederate Veterans' J. Edgar Hoover Law and Order Award, apparently for all that hard work he did in ignoring hundreds of sex crimes cases around the county.

See also: -Sheriff Joe Arpaio Accepted Award From Confederate Group With "History of White Supremacy," Salon Says

According to Salon.com, Arpaio's not the only Arizonan to score this prestigious plaudit from all these dudes who think the Civil War had nothing to do with slavery.

None other than Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu has been awarded one as well, it seems. Perhaps it was studboi1's 7" cut that turned them on. Or the fact that he was wearing gray undies in that bathroom flick he took of himself.

And who started the first KKK? Confederate veterans, of course.

Yep, it can get mighty lonely up on the front lines, waiting for them Yankees to attack. Cold, too. So what's the matter with a little spoonin' between soldiers to stay warm?

Salon.com quotes one researcher as saying the SCV has "an interesting history of white supremacy," and the article links to cautionary pieces about the group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Last year, the group actually sponsored an "official centennial event" sanctioned by the Arizona Centennial Commission.

According to the commission's web site, there were a total of four Confederate re-enactments that were so-approved.

Hopefully, these did not include slave-whippings.

In any case, here are Arpaio's top ten reasons for wanting to don the gray and fight in the War of Northern Aggression.

Oh, and if he plans to attend any re-enactments, the sheriff should consider speech therapy to lose the Italian patois that makes him sound like an extra on Boardwalk Empire.

Southerners don't talk like that, dude. And they sure don't cotton to carpetbaggers who do.

 

Top Ten Reasons Joe Arpaio May Want to Join the Neo-Confederacy...

10) The uniform matches his nose hair.

9) Now he can do more than arrest Latinos, he can own a few.

8) The Stars and Bars is way cooler than a swastika.

7) His family's originally from southern Italy. Capisce?

6) Most of his supporters in Sun City fought in the Civil War.

5) Teabaggers, Confederates, nativists, what's the diff?

4) Calling Tent City a plantation instead of a "concentration camp" sounds so much nicer.

3) Redneck shitkickers are his kinda people, no matter what they wear.

2) He's already got the white sheet, so why not go for broke?

And the number one reason Joe's joinin' the Confederacy...

1) Because Abe Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation gives 21st Century Republicans a really bad rep with racists.


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