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Go to Hell

There’s no separation of church and scare at the Final Destination III Haunted House. This guided walk-through depicts horrifying morality plays of sinning and eternal damnation, i.e. gay people worship Satan and abortions are a one-way ticket to Hades. These so-called "Hell Houses" are nationwide franchises preaching the literal translation of the Bible; this one runs 45 minutes and is 250 volunteers strong. The Web site says, "Final Destination III is not a traditional haunted house, but you will be . . . stripped of your emotions and challenged with pure reality fright, horror, tragedy and drama."

Great if you’re planning to vote McCain/Palin, but what about those who just want a good scare on Halloween without all the fire and brimstone? According to statistics provided on the site, last year’s tours produced 245 “criers,” one puker, 19 quitters, three fainters, and one unfortunate who “went fetal.” Uh, we’re not gonna touch that last one with a 10-foot pair of forceps.

Wed., Oct. 29, 7 p.m.-midnight; Thu., Oct. 30, 7 p.m.-midnight; Fri., Oct. 31, 6 p.m.-1 a.m., 2008

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