We'll admit it, we newshounds are often boozehounds. Something about the crunch of the ever-present deadline drives one to drink (admitting the problem is the first step). So the Bridgeport Beer Tasting at Papago Brewing Company, 7107 East McDowell in Scottsdale, on Thursday, May 27, will quench our thirsty livers, with enough scratch left over to finance our various 12-step programs. The Portland-based brewer is hoping to crack open the Valley market, and its jingle -- "Great Firkin' Beer" -- is catchy enough. But who cares about slogans? The ABV (alcohol by volume) is our malty measuring stick, and, since some of Bridgeport's "Old Knucklehead" barley wine hits 9.1 percent, we'll be there with beer goggles on. Plus it's a versatile brew, as one can use it in such delectables as "Beeramisu." Dee-lish. From 6 to 8 p.m., pints are marked down to $3 apiece. Call 480-425-7439 or see www.papagobrewing.com for more information.
Cheap date checklist, courtesy of Erik Miller, comedian and pimp: "Flowers from Costco, what are they, about $12.95? You can even grab a hot dog outside," Miller says. "After that, you take her to Big Money for Small Money." Nice segue, kid. You got moxie. And he's even got the tab on Friday, May 28, at Minder Binder's, on the southeast corner of McClintock and University in Tempe, where Miller, John Buber and Ken Boitz take the stage for a night of cheap laughs, cheap booze, and -- if we're lucky -- cheap women. Pay the $5 cover -- plus a two-item minimum -- and get $1 margaritas and Long Island iced teas. "Seriously, if it's your first date," Miller promises, "the first round is on us." No better way to get a few courtesy laughs. Showtime is 8 p.m. See www.enterthefunny.com for more information.
If the local Michaels outlet is jammed with soccer moms this weekend, find your brush with greatness at the last day of the Society of Decorative Painters' "Spirit in the Southwest" International Conference and Expo on Saturday, May 29, at the Phoenix Civic Plaza, 111 North Third Street. More than 300 booths will be packed with vendors and other crafty types hawking their earthenwares, art supplies and how-to videos and guides. Need a stroke of genius to help your dreams of happy little trees take root? Demonstrations and displays for artisans of all skill levels will take place. After all, why not have both a still life and a social life? Admission to the expo, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., is $10. Classes are open to society members only. Call 316-269-9300 or visit www.decorativepainters.com for more info.
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Once upon a time, not so long ago, we sported our preferred uniform of acid-washed togs and cock-rock tees with pride in the midst of the "me decade." As members of the up-all-night-sleep-all-day set, we were wanted dead or alive and cried more, more, more. So we're definitely gonna come on and feel the noize of Hairbangers Ball at 8 p.m. Sunday, May 30, at The Venue of Scottsdale, 7117 East Third Avenue. Shine off on that flavor-of-the-month group The Darkness -- we prefer the hair-metal rock of ages past, especially when front man Vic Voxx talks dirty to us. This sextet is our cherry pie, wielding a potential set list of 65 classic songs that'll kick-start your heart. Bet on plenty of girls, girls, girls being present -- but if she's only 17, bro, it's a highway to hell. Tickets are $10. Call 480-945-5150 or see www.hairbangersball.com.
It's not delivery, per se, but it's a strange paradox, nonetheless, when guests at Postino, 3939 East Campbell, order out for pizza from La Grande Orange, just a few feet away. From 5 to 9 p.m. every Monday, enjoy Postino's wine bar special -- all bottles offered at a discount -- as LGO supplies the pies (the Gladiator, the Don, and the Padre, to name a few) for $14 each. There's no guarantee (which means the streets are safe), but LGO usually has the pizza done in 30 minutes or less. For more information, call Postino at 602-852-3939.
With Martha Stewart facing a turn in the joint and her trademark TV show getting yanked from the tube, looks like it's time for Heloise -- the "high-priestess of household hints" -- to retake her spot atop the world of happy homemaking. What better way to celebrate than with a nationwide tour in support of her latest tome, Heloise From A to Z, which stops at Barnes & Noble, 21001 North Tatum, on Tuesday, June 1, for a 7 p.m. signing and speaking appearance (hopefully that meddlesome "Queen of Clean" won't be there looking for the rub). The silver-haired housemistress, who delivers the dish on the domestic arts and sciences in more than 500 newspapers nationwide, will cover everything from "Abrasive Cleansers" to "Zipping Through the Allergy Season." Welcome advice for those who ditched home ec. Call 480-538-8520 or see www.heloise.com for more information.
You've come a long way since the Roger Rabbit, baby. Ditched the Running Man, the Robot, and the Cabbage Patch en route to this: the Argentine Tango. So don the fancy duds, grab your partner and get cheek-to-cheek at the Paper Heart Gallery and Studio, 750 Grand Avenue, on Wednesday, June 2, where an Argentine Tango Workshop begins at 5 p.m. Don't stand against the wall, waiting for that Footloose moment. Make like Moulin Rouge and kick up your heels. A trio of dance-instructing duos is there to help -- Juan Carlos and Teresa Figueroa from Philadelphia; Viviana and Isidoro Levinson from Washington, D.C.; and Phoenix's own Ravi and Satya Khalsa. The workshop, which lasts until 12:30 a.m., with a final open dancing hurrah to show off your skills, costs $25. Call 602-262-2020 or see www.thepaperheart.com.