When y'all are ready to wade through them thar beer cans and lawn appliances that ain't worked fer years, park yer double-wide at the Pumphouse II, 4132 East McDowell, for the Miss Trailer 2005 Pageant and Trailer Trash Party on Saturday, December 4. They'll have all the PBR you can drink, and 'tater chips aplenty. "The Trailer Trash Party reminds us what really makes up the backbone of this country," says Miss Ann Thrope, who attended last year's event. "Spam, cheap beer, and the eloquent music that permeates twister-bait colonies throughout this Lynyrd Skynyrd, Bob Seger-lovin' land." The 2004 Trailer Trash Queen, Rheanna Matthews, will give up her crown to a new gal, carrying on the tradition set by 2003 winner Fonda Cox and 2002 winner Donna Mae. Last year, Nova Gyna joined Matthews onstage and jumped between her legs to help deliver one of Matthews' many babies. "Doin' her little part to save humanity from the aroma of ass and cat food," explains Miss Ann Thrope.
Hmm . . . drag queens, diapers and Pabst Blue Ribbon? If that don't sound like fun, yer lyin' through your tooth. The trash bash starts at 9 p.m. with free admission. Call 602-275-3509. -- Niki D'Andrea
Paws for the Season
Canine antler prance debuts in Scottsdale
You know Fido and Lucky and Fifi and Rusty. Scout and Buddy and Dottie and Scruffy. But we can't recall such a fine group of dogged pursuers helping Santa on Christmas Eve like the mutts who'll prance through Scottsdale on Sunday, December 5, for the first "Reindoggie Parade," beginning at 1 p.m. at Hilton Village, Scottsdale Road and McDonald Drive. Registration, $10, begins at noon. See www.mackiesparlour.com. -- Joe Watson
Mixologist pours us another at House of Tricks
Shake it up on Thursday, December 2, with the master mixologist, Nick Mautone, the author of Raising the Bar: Better Drinks, Better Entertaining, who will demonstrate his enticing drink recipes at the always hip and cool House of Tricks, 114 East Seventh Street in Tempe. Learn to impress your friends as you finesse a fine lemon-drop martini. Need to know whether a cosmopolitan works well with a vegetable platter? Mautone will give his excellent recommendations for matching drinks with food, and your holiday party will be saved. With one 5-cent drink per person, how can we resist? The bar exam begins at 7 p.m. Call 480-968-1114. -- Patricia Beck
Historic homes open their doors
Have you pulled into the wrong driveway because all the homes in your development look the same? Are your senses dulled from the Valley's endless rows of stucco and tile homes? The antidote to your architectural fatigue may lie in the 20th annual FQ Story Historic District Home Tour in central Phoenix. Featured this year are 10 homes on Lynwood Street, located one block south of McDowell Road. An evening tour with luminarias and holiday lights occurs from 6 to 9 Saturday, December 4, followed by a daylight tour from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. Sunday, December 5. Strolling Dickens Carolers add to the historic ambiance. Tickets, available at the intersection of Ninth Avenue and Lynwood, are $10. In the spirit of the holidays, everyone should earn a dollar discount by bringing a nonperishable food item. Call 602-258-9282. -- Douglas Towne
Chocolate Factory opens on Grand
You don't need a golden ticket to get into the Chocolate Factory, the new art studio and gallery at 1105 Grand Avenue, which opens on Friday, December 3. Hector Ruiz, gallery owner and resident candy man, ditches Oompa Loompas in favor of works from 10 artists from the Valley, New York and London for the First Friday event. While most of Ruiz's personal works focus on minority issues, he wanted the première show, "Miscegenation," to run the gamut of ethnic expression. "A lot of people thought it's just a 'Latin thing.' It's not," he says. Even if the themes might seem a little heavy, most are handled with humor and satire. And to make sure the evening stays sweet, there'll be plenty of free chocolate on hand, starting at 6 p.m. For more information, call 602-920-7560. -- C. Murphy Hebert
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Alternative Theatre Company presents A Queer Carol
The holidays are loaded with traditions aplenty, whether it's decking the halls or watching A Christmas Story for the thousandth time. Then there's the annual rejiggering of Charles Dickens' classic A Christmas Carol to fit contemporary times. But when the Alternative Theatre Company presents A Queer Carol, starting Thursday, December 2, at the Space Theatre, 4700 North Central, it won't be Mister Magoo or Bill Murray learning the reason for the season; it'll be "Ben" Scrooge, a Manhattan interior designer and "bitter old queen" who's unfriendly to the gay community. This miserly Mary isn't the only character who's gone through a sexual reorientation, as the whole cast is now in the pink, including Bob Cratchit (who cares for his HIV-positive life mate Tim) and "Jake" Marley (who's still decked out in chains . . . and other bondage gear). "Overall, it's a flat-out comedy," says artistic director Joe Marshall, "but there are plenty of very touching moments." Go homo for the holidays through December 19. Tickets are $15. Call 602-279-1409 or visit www.thealternativetheatreco.com. -- Benjamin Leatherman