Chris Victorio/OC Weekly You tell 'em, Grandpa!
See also: Coachella 2014: The Band and Drugs Pairings Guide
10.) You Need A Magnifying Glass to Read the Damn Lineup Poster Okay, is it just your or does the last few lines of the lineup keep getting more and more impossible to read? No, it must just be your browser, right?
9.) Who The Hell Are These People? When you're finally able to decipher the bands billed in smaller font in the line up, you find yourself saying, "Who??" more than usual. There was a day when you were a huge fan of even the itty bitty bands billed on the last line (see: The Killers circa 2004, The Locust circa 2005, The Avett Brothers circa 2007, Deadmau5 circa 2008). Now, the acts you're most excited for could easily be seen on VH1 Classic. What's a STRFKR, anyway?
Once upon a time, the only person you were forced to babysit at Coachella was your friend who decided to take acid and ecstasy at once. But these days you're busy taking care of that tiny human you made smooshing your crotches with the good-looking kid you met at the Do Lab a few years prior.
7.) You Now Pregame With a Cold-Pressed Organic Juice and Bowl of Quinoa Coachella can take a lot out of you: the dry, desert heat, the walking, and the curmudgeonly judgements can all be exhausting. When you first started going to music festivals, you took hits of various illicit uppers, downers and stabilizers out of the little brown bottle in your shaving kit to get you through whatever the weekend brought your way. These days, it's all about a healthy balance of an organic diet, morning yoga and PMA to get you through the day.
Kai Flanders/OC Weekly
Remember when you said anyone who didn't camp was a poser and missed the point of the real Coachella experience? Then remember when you started missing air conditioning, showers, privacy, quiet time and a bed? Yeah, that was the day you became too old for this shit.
5. You Think EDM Acts Should Stay Confined to the Sahara Tent
"Why is Girl Talk on the main stage? I mean, I get he's popular, but shouldn't the main stage be for real bands?" If you thought this this year, you're not wrong, but you're in the minority these days and therefore old. Save for a few transcendent electronic-based acts, DJs and EDM artists and their raver fans (remember when you could call them that?) stuck to the Sahara Tent. Recall the sideways glances you'd give to the kids rolling balls in that far corner of the Polo Fields? Well now the roles have reversed and they're doing the same to your favorite bands.
"I said 'Slag off!'"
4. Pool Parties and After-Parties First, Music Festival Second
"You've changed man...It used to be about the music."
3. You Don't Show Up Until Sundown
As each year goes by, you think of more reasons why to show up to the Polo Fields late, each excuse bringing you later and later. It's hot. You're favorite band doesn't go on until 7 p.m. You can't do those 12 hour days like you used to. Sure, you spend hundreds of dollars on a ticket, but you can't put a price on AC.
I'm old or boring or both as coachella sounds like the least fun thing in the world to me.
-- Katie Aselton (@duplaselton) April 16, 2014
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2. You Spend More Time Being Snarky About the Festival on Twitter Than Actually Enjoying It
A good sign it's time to retire to Stagecoach.
1. You Just Said Screw It And Enjoyed the Fest From the Comforts of Your Own Couch
Instead of being half-naked in the desert drinking $10 beers in 100 degree heat, you're sitting on your couch, fully-naked, enjoying blatant bong rips and watching your favorite bands from the front row. If this is what being old is like, sign me up for AARP and get me a Hoveround: this is the shit!