You're all a bunch of sexist pigs, and here's why:
One of our city's esteemed professional sports franchises is scheduled to engage in a do-or-die final showdown for the big championship later tonight. It's got all the makings of an action-packed, winner-take-all donnybrook that's guaranteed to be filled with thrills and spills. But just because the participants are the WNBA's Phoenix Mercury and the Indiana Fever (and thus, lack a particular set of plumbing) most of the Valley's sports nuts could give a shit.
Redeem your misogynistic ways by heading to the arena to cheer on Diana Taurasi, Cappie Pondexter, and the rest of the Merc's roster as they attempt to break the Fever.
We were originally going to pimp out the free game tickets that were being handed out, but those babies have all been snatched up. It's still possible to check out the game on the cheap, so be sure to check out our listings below for full details.
There's plenty of other inexpensive action scheduled to take place this weekend if championship basketball ain't your thang, including the annual appearance of the Tour de Fat, a brand new DJ/dance hangout, and a celebration of all things Edgar Allan Poe. Read on for the whole rundown.
Kelvera at Bar Smith (Friday)
The UK-born DJ/producer (as well as a self-described "house muzik hustler") visits downtown Phoenix tonight as the special weekly guest star of FUSE Fridays. Need an added incentive to attend? There's no cover and free cosmopolitans until 11 p.m. Sounds delish. 9 p.m. (130 East Washington Street, 602-229-1265).
WNBA Finals -- Game Five at U.S. Airways Center
We're gonna fudge out rules for "10 Things" by pimping out the "big game," because - really - how often do you get to see a major basketball title decided at U.S. Airways Center? Not often enough it seems (We're looking in your direction Steve Kerr). Ten dollar tickets are still available as of this writing, so be sure to hit up Ticketmaster. Tip-off is at 6 p.m.
The Room at MADCAP Theaters (Friday)
"Why would anyone pay the better part of a ten spot to view the steaming heap of cinema known as The Room, the nauseating story of a love triangle turned tragic that's filled with nonsensical plot development and grade-school acting talents? Maybe because Tommy Wiseau - the movie's writer, director, producer, and star - probably had no idea that the film would become a cult phenomenon akin to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, simply because of how ridiculous the movie turned out. Attendees of local Room screenings have developed several interactive traditions, such as throwing plastic spoons and yelling "focus" at the screen when the movie slips into blurriness on several occasions." 9 p.m., $7. (730 South Mill Avenue, Tempe, 480-634-5192) -- Heather Hoch
Divine Essence at Wells Fargo Student Center (Friday)
Boy, Michael Crow, don't you and the rest of the ASU administration are looking like quite the fools today. President Barack Obama's accopmplishments may not have been good enough to get a lambskin from your institution of higher learning, but they certainly were sufficient to land the cat a little trinket called the Nobel Peace Prize. D'oh! We wonder if outspoken local poetess/spoken word artist will have something to say on the issue when she performs at the university's downtown campus. (We're guessing yes). 7 p.m., free. (411 North Central Avenue).
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Tour De Fat at Tempe Beach Park (Saturday)
"The New Belgium Brewing Company-sponsored fest brings music by the Dylan-esque singer Sean Hayes and merry-mob leaders MarchFourth Marching Band. You can also catch the vaudeville theatrics of the Squirm Burpee Circus and Honeymoon Cabaret, as well as the car-for-bike funeral procession. All types of bikes and cyclists are welcome to register for the parade, sure to contain great new creations from our local clutch of freaky bike engineers. Proceeds benefit various environmental causes." 9 a.m.-4 p.m., free. (54 West Rio Salado Parkway, Tempe, 480-350-8625) -- Gren Radcliff
Planet Poe Theatre at Alwun House (Saturday)
The notoriously macabre scribe Edgar Allan Poe celebrated his 200th birthday this past week, or at least he would've, had the renowned poet not been turned into worm food some 150-plus years ago. A few local "Poe Folks" (such as Ron Peer, Petey Swartz, Mitzi Lynton, and Robert X. Planet) will mark the occasion with their annual feting of the Tell-Tale Heart author with reading of some of his horror works, humor pieces, and sci-fi stories. 7 p.m.; $6 in advance; $9 at the door. (1204 East Roosevelt Street, 602-253-7887)
PBR Tiki Throwdown at Yucca Tap Room (Saturday)
Of a pig-roastin' rock show at Tempe's most legit dive bar is what you're in the market for, this is it, bro. In the parking lot of the venerable Yucca Tap Room, an entire (presumably, already dead) pig will be sacrificed (ya know, metaphorically speaking) to the party gods. The grubbing shan't stop there. Hawaiian chow rounds out the menu, all of which will be washed down with plenty of beer. The scattershot lineup includes Los Angeles' vet¬eran ska-rock outfit Fishbone and a laundry list of locals that run the gamut of garage rock to folk rock to soul to freak folk. Most prominently, there will be live sets from What Laura Says, Matthew Reveles and Black Carl. Rounding out the bill are Liar's Handshake, The Necronauts, The Revenge, and The High Rollers. 2 p.m., $3 suggested donation. (29 West Southern Avenue, Tempe, 480-967-4777) -- Becky Bartowski
The Kickback at Padre's (Sunday)
How's this for a lazy Sunday afternoon experience: Hanging out with Karlie Hustle from Power 98.3 while listing to DJs like M2, Tricky T, Al Page, and Pickster One having at the turntables. Meanwhile, drink deals like $4 Sangria and $3.50 margaritas will be offered, NFL action will be broadcast around the bar, and the Blunt Club's Dumperfoo will be slinging paint. 2 p.m., free. (1044 East Camelback Road, 602-277-1749)