7 Video Game Predictions for 2010 and Beyond

What happened to this, Square-Enix?
What happened to this, Square-Enix?

As we near the end of the aughts, most of the bright minds in gaming are focusing on what was. They're all over the best games of 2009 and the best games of the decade. Well that's fine, but we're looking forward. Whether Uncharted 2 was the best game of the year in 2009 won't matter with all the wacky advances in gaming on the way in the 2010's. With that in mind, here are 7 of our predictions for gaming in the next ten years.

1. Square-Enix's long-term memory: Gamers will remember the CG sequence at the end of Kingdom Hearts II that seemed to be pointing toward a keyblade war in an upcoming Kingdom Hearts Game. These beautifully-rendered scenes of keyblade knights will be completely disavowed by Square Enix in the 2010's as they continue to make games concerning minor characters instead of focusing on what fans of the series identify as "plot" and everyone else identifies as drug-induced bull shit.

2. Microsoft locks 'n' loads: In the year 2012, Microsoft will release details on its upcoming game system: First Person Shooter Box. First Person Shooter Box or FPS-Box will revolutionize the world of first person shooters with such classic games as First Person Shooter, First Person Shooter: Reloaded, and First Person Shooter: Final Shooting.

Also worth mentioning: Halo Reach: Further will feature in-game weapons actually designed by Mattel instead of the crude Mattel imitations seen in the franchise up until this point.

3. Say goodbye to numbering: The end of the 2000's also marked the end of numbering systems for video game franchises. We should have seen it coming. Metal Gear Solid 4 was the last in the series to receive a number and will be followed up by Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, Metal Gear Solid: Raiden (which incidentally, no one will purchase), and Metal Gear Solid: Alligator Camouflage Deluxe. Call of Duty as a franchise will split into the traditional Call of Duty moniker and a separate Modern Warfare line, but neither will receive numbers. Call of Duty will continue after World at War with Call of Duty: Hawks vs. Doves in which a level involving shooting Vietnam war protestors in the face for giving peace a chance will stir up mild controversy in the American media and get the game banned in Australia. Modern Warfare will actually receive Prefixes, most noteably Pre-Modern Warfare focusing on rock and stick melee kills in a prehistoric setting. In Pre-Modern Warfare multiplayer, 25 kills will allow players to call in the ice age and instantly end a match.

The only games to continue using numbers will be Madden NFL(which will begin coming out twice a year at full price in 2012) and the old-is-new-again Mega Man series (which will be milked to mummification). Speaking of Madden, Madden 2018 will feature an in-game, motion-controlled defibulateor to resuscitate Al Micheals.

4. Nintendo should go back to printing playing cards: Back in the aughts, Nintendo leaked information about it's upcoming system the Nintendo Zii. The first demos of the Zii will be shown at the Tokyo Game Show in 2011 and feature incredible looking game play footage from a Zelda game that will ultimately never materialize. Instead, Nintendo will release Mario Multiverse in which Mario and Luigi must travel through several themed universes in a race to defeat their other selves before an evil Mario and Luigi can steal all their powers and destroy the multiverse. It will have a lives system for no apparent reason. Prior to unveiling Mario Multiverse and the Nintendo Zii, Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aimé will swear up and down that the Zii will have unprecedented third party support. One year after it's release, Nintendo Zii owners will be pissed that they have to wait three months between games worth purchasing.  

5. Sony gets it right...kinda: By 2013, Sony will have perfected a digital distribution business model that will become the new standard for the video game industry. Unfortunately Sony will buy into their new digital distribution model so much that it will take several weeks and millions in law suits from outraged gamers before they realize that distributing the PS4 via download wasn't such a good idea. Yet all these blunders will be made up for by the releases of Uncharted 3: Oceans Away (in which Nathan Drake discovers the lost city of Atlantis) and Uncharted 4: Quest's End (the dramatic conclusion to the series in which Nathan Drake discovers a playable copy of Duke Nukem Forever).

Yahtzee (left) of Zero Punctuation. How did we fail to anticipate this?
Yahtzee (left) of Zero Punctuation. How did we fail to anticipate this?

6. Criticism winds up dead: No longer satisfied with his legion of fans to ridicule via The Escapist, Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee will have Stuttering Craig of Screw Attack and the Angry Video Game Nerd murdered so he can rise up as the supreme force of game criticism across the internet. In his quest for glory he will acquire an actual budget leading to well-animated video game reviews that incidentally no one will watch.

A magazine advertisement for Knights of the Old Republic 5
A magazine advertisement for Knights of the Old Republic 5

7. Knights of the Old Republic Goes Super Saiyan In 2014, Bioware will purchase MystWalker Studios. As a result of the acquisition, Knights of the Old Republic 5 will feature character designs by Akira Toriyama and an epic soundtrack by Nobuo Uematsu. Star Wars fans will be split between those who appreciate the breath of fresh air and those who stop banging their foreheads against rocks long enough to proclaim it "crap" before continuing to bludgeon themselves senseless. Also, Uematsu will later repurpose the soundtrack to create another over-dramatic Black Mages album featuring English lyrics song by Japanese Enka stars who can not pronounce them.

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