Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block Form One Gigantic Supergroup of Suck and Schedule US Airways Center Gig in June
According to witness reports, at approximately 7:30 p.m. this evening, the 19-year-old arena adjacent to Chase Field was drawn into darkened singularity that developed during the opening number of a concert by aging boy bands New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys. A sold-out crowd of more than 19,000 people were in attendance and have now been reported missing.
One witness, a local transient who goes by the street name "Thunderwolf," was shocked by what happened.
Sean Badger, a DJ and co-owner of the nearby Bar Smith, was in the middle of a performance at the club when US Airways Center reportedly disappeared.
"I'm not certain, but I coulda sworn I heard a mashup of 'Everybody,' 'Larger Than Life,' and 'The Right Stuff' right before the destruction began," Badger says.
In an instant, the facility where the Phoenix Suns triumphed over the Washington Wizards to win this year's NBA Finals only weeks ago had disappeared, leaving behind a small smoldering pile of charred New Kids tee shirts and Ed Hardy hats.
The combination of New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys (a.k.a. NKOTBSB) has existed since this past August when members from both blockbuster boy bands (minus Kevin Richardson) made a surprise appearance on the 2010 American Music Awards singing a medley of hits by NKOTB and BSB.
It was the supergroup that no one was waiting for (well, at least no one worth mentioning, at least), causing one pop-culture critic to quip, "Instead of showing they still had it, the performance only proved that whatever 'it' is should have never been found."
Regardless, NKOTBSB's performances up until tonight's disaster have been sold out across the country, as throngs of middle-aged women and housewives (all of whom we're in their tweens and early 20s when both bands were in their respective primes) gleefully bought up tickets to their Tiger Beat heartthrobs live and in person one more time.
While officials from a cadre of local, state, and federal agencies (ranging from the Phoenix Police Department and the Department of Public Safety to the Federal Bureau of Investigation) have declined to speculate as to the exact cause of the disaster, it's widely rumored that teams from both CERN and Pitchfork have been dispatched to Phoenix to investigate.
Award-winning theoretical nuclear physicist Amit Goswami Hameroff, who was interviewed by FOX-10 News about the disaster, stated the damage from the alleged singularity only caused the destruction of just the US Airways Center and not the entire Phoenix area.
"The confluence of crappiness that occurs when the combination of Joey McIntyre, A. J. McLean, Howie Dorough, Donnie Wahlberg, et. al performs on one stage simultaneously could potentially cause a chain reaction that would likely unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe," he explained. "Granted, that's a worst-case scenario. The destruction was apparently very localized, limited to merely a one-block radius."
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Phoenix, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.