Maybe I'm still bummed that Santa won't pay my bills or leave fancy camera equipment under my tree, but Christmas is lame. The holiday makes people mean and greedy -- it must have something to do with all that obnoxious music and eggnog, which is only sort of bearable with rum.
If you disagree, you'll probably enjoy our series of Christmas Songs That Don't Suck series.
Otherwise, if you're like me, you'd much rather watch Die Hard (which is showing at The Royale in Mesa this week) or Bad Santa than put up with A Christmas Story one more time. While tuning out "The Twelve Days of Christmas" for the thousandth time, I found myself humming "Fairytale of New York" and came up with this list of Un-Christmas songs.
The Pogues- Fairytale of New York
"I've got a feeling this year's for me and you. So, happy Christmas, I love you baby." Sounds cheery, right? Too bad that's essentially the only nice lyric in this otherwise hilarious back and forth argument between Shane MacGowen and Kirsty MacColl. The insults get really good at 2:10.
Tom Waits - Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis
"I wish I had all the money that we used to spend on dope." At least she spared a few cents to write a letter. Bonus points for Waits' awesome rendition of "Silent Night" at the beginning of the song.
Kind of Like Spitting- Tyco Racing Set and a Christmas Story Fifteen Times
"My family fucks me up, some wounds don't ever seem to heal. I get drunk to forget their faces, but part of me misses a home." This song is one of many reasons Ben Barnett needs to write more music under the Kind of Like Spitting moniker.
The Broadways- Fuck You Larry Koesche, I Hope You Starve and Die Someday
"Hey fuck, it's Christmas. Here's your paycheck for the year. There's charities outside your malls that treat human beings like animals." Here's a song about being homeless in Chicago around Christmas time. Bassist Brendan Kelly said, "Larry Koesche is the manager of a grocery store who prevented some of us from getting food out of the dumpsters behind the store."
Roar- Christmas Kids
This song has a cheery melody and a dark message. Owen Evans explained its meaning a few months ago: "One recurring theme was that of women being dependent upon a man or relationship to feel valuable and loved. Phil Spector is rumored to have forced his wife to watch Citizen Kane in the hopes that she would realize she'd be nothing without him."
Sufjan Stevens- That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!
Learning that dad is "Throwing gifts in the wood stove" is a bit easier to hear while Sufjan is wearing those ridiculous wings.
Blink-182- I Won't be Home for Christmas
Don't assault carolers, or you may end up spending the holidays in jail with a guy named Bubba.
Insane Clown Posse- Santa's a Fat Bitch
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
If you thought "Miracles" was great, just listen to this song. "Santa Claus, suck my balls" and "Santa, fuck you 'cuz you're a hoe" are lyrical gold. Stuff that in your stocking, why don't you?