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Fiscal Cliff: The Up on the Sun Playlist for Your Financial Woes

Pictured: The Fiscal Cliff being averted.
Pictured: The Fiscal Cliff being averted.

If you're not a thumbsucking moron who only cares about which overzealous rapper impregnated which leg-spreading reality star, you might've heard of this thing called the "fiscal cliff." If not, lemme just clue you in via economist Paul Craig Roberts:

"The fiscal cliff is automatic spending cuts and tax increases in order to reduce the deficit by an insignificant amount over ten years if Congress takes no action itself to cut spending and to raise taxes. In other words, the "fiscal cliff" is going to happen either way."

The fiscal cliff was avoided, you say? Not so fast. This cliff has been talked about for months, but you couldn't have expected these guys to have addressed the issue in advance. After all, they were distracted by tons of shit: it was an election year, the Mayan apocalypse probably scared a few Senators, Hurricane Sandy probably wrecked a few Senators' homes, the Wii U came out, etc, etc.

Being the generous soul I am, I decided to make you a little playlist (for free, mind you) that you can drum up now that you're gonna be broke. Well, more broke anyway.

If you think this cliff won't affect you because blah blah, it passed in Obama's favor, they're only taxing the rich, whatever, you're cute. You're also wrong.

The real issues with America's budget go much deeper than adorable Road Runner metaphors churned out by mainstream media. Some are calling the real issues the "Derivatives Tsunami" and talking about things like the "Dollar Bubble." It appears that cutting a mere $1.3 trillion over 10 years from a deficit of $16.3 trillion isn't gonna do jack shit! Furthermore, it's just delaying the inevitable: according to CNN, three (!) more fiscal cliffs are looming!

A fifth-grader could do better math than the idiots y'all elected, and those hens are still gonna come a calling. When they do, intangible things like music may be all the taxman doesn't take. Here's some suggestions for your financial woes playlist.

Money (That's What I Want) -- The Beatles

 

The same jackass would later tell us to "imagine no possessions" sang lead on this Barrett Strong cover. Seems Lennon got his wish, and so did Paul "$1.2 Billion" McCartney.

In any case, this song would be a better Occupy Wall Street anthem than most of the chosen chanteys about revolution. Wanting to keep your cash isn't a bad thing, especially since, according to the Huffington Post, "Most state and local tax systems are regressive ... that is, tax rates become higher as income becomes lower."

Well, anyway, those old, 2012 figures. Expect tax code to change a lot in the coming months and not in your favor.

9-5ers Anthem -- Aesop Rock

This song is pretty comforting, a good thing to blast while driving between two jobs that both suck. I've had seven jobs in the past two years, as I keep landing "seasonal" positions or gigs in call centers or worse, entry-level marketing, i.e. selling cheesecake to fat fuckers at Costco. Now I write spam for search engines to read, so I know how hard it is out there for folks my age to find work.

But this whole so-called "under-employment" market is made worse by taxing the rich, not that I'm giving the 1 percent any sympathy. Rich people own businesses and if they can't make ends meet, well, that translates to us 99 percent assholes. Besides that, you couldn't tax the rich enough to fill the hole the jackasses on Capitol Hill dug. It's just too massive.

Scared Money -- Saul Williams

Scared money don't make none, and our buddy Saul is telling us risk taking is the only way to fix our problems. He doesn't mean the entrepreneurial sort, either. He's talking more along the lines of "March in like parade of scars if you been stabbed or shot." Or, maybe this is a little more clear:

"Fuck the bullshit/whether from the hill or from the pulpit /Today, I put my money on the fall of every culprit/The truth prevails when all else fails /Drug dealers make the music, then guess who's back? /Your souls answer to greenbacks, hos, and crack."

You Never Give Me Your Money -- The Beatles

I thought about doing nothing but Beatles songs for this list ("Taxman," "All You Need Is Love," etc.) but thought that would get old soon. Still, this one is too appropriate.

According to SongFacts.com, "'Funny Paper' is how The Beatles felt they were paid. They got frustrated when their accountants would tell them how much they were worth "on paper," without actually telling them how much money they had." And that helped them pen lyrics like this: "Out of college, money spent / See no future, pay no rent / All the money's gone, nowhere to go..."

Sound familiar? Maybe you should be the one to "never give your money" to the powers that be, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal for me to suggest, so I'm totally not.

All The Money Or The Simple Life Honey -- The Dandy Warhols

There's never any reason to despair, even if all this tax talk is weighing heavy on you. Remember what the Dandys told us: "I can tell you for the money / The simple life sure looks good." If economic collapse does occur, I hope you remember your friends and family and how to have a good time on the cheap. You'll survive. That's what's more important. Uh-huh, take care.


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