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Gathering of the Juggalos or S.S. Coachella? We Break Out the Scorecard

Fucking cruise ships, how do they work?
Fucking cruise ships, how do they work?

See also: S.S. Coachella Cruise Lineup Announced Featuring Pulp, Girl Talk, Z-Trip, and More See also: Z-Trip Talks Growing Up in Phoenix, Johhny D., Crate-Digging, Mexican Food, Smite, and More See also: The Gathering of the Juggalos 2012 Lineup Is Pretty Good. Really! See also: FBI Report Officially Classifies Juggalos a Hybrid Gang; Arizona Boasts "Strong Juggalo Presence" Based on musical taste alone, deciding between The Gathering of the Juggalos and S.S. Coachella should be an easy choice.

But with The Gathering busting out a lineup that puts lots of music festivals to shame, hipsters and deep-pocketed revelers could be considering a trip to ICP's Faygo-drenched forest party. Right?

Let's talk logistics: Neither festival is particularly easy to get to, with The Gathering taking place in southern Illinois and S.S. Coachella setting sail from Ft. Lauderdale.

Before you consider going to either festival, make sure you have at least $1,000 set aside.

Your mind may already be made up, but before you buy a plane ticket, consider what each has to offer.

Grimes...on a boat.
Grimes...on a boat.

Lineup

The S.S. Coachella lineup is pretty standard for an indie music festival, but, hey, Pulp is playing. LCD Soundsystem broke up, but James Murphy will have a DJ set, and that's the next best thing (though not quite as good as Daft Punk playing at your house).

The Gathering lineup is surprisingly robust, boasting Kool Keith, Master P, DMX, George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic, Bizmarkie, and many more.

Point: The Gathering.

Convenience

S.S. Coachella tickets are only available online. The Gathering tickets are available online and at your local Hot Topic.

Point: The Gathering

Admission

Tickets for The Gathering are $175 for five days ($35/day). Tickets for the 3-4 day S.S. Coachella cruise start at $500 ($125-$166.67/day).

Point: The Gathering

Getting There

We used Travelocity to calculate the lowest cost of flights the day before and after each festival.

The Gathering takes place in Cave-In-Rock, a very small town in southern Illinois that doesn't have an airport, so you're going to have to fly to a larger city a few hours away and rent a car (or hitch a ride with some friendly Juggalos). The site recommends flying into Nashville ($255.20), St. Louis ($306.20), Louisville ($318.20), or Evansville ($421.20). The cheapest car rental out of the Nashville airport is a Kia Rio for $263.16, and Nashville is about three hours away from Cave-In-Rock, so expect to spend at least $600 to get to The Gathering from Phoenix (also, consider showing up to the Gathering in a freaking Kia). Car camping starts at $100, making The Gathering's accommodations cost at least $700, unless you carpool and/or have friends to stay with in the area.

Getting to Ft. Lauderdale is a bit easier, with round-trip flights starting at $479.20 for the Bahamas weekend, and $451.10 the Jamaica weekend. You may not need to rent a car, but the cheapest two-guest room remaining is $750, making travel to S.S. Coachella at least $800 a person.

Grand totals (travel + admission): The Gathering: ~$800. S.S. Coachella: ~$1,300.

Point: for the sake of convenience, S.S. Coachella

Age restrictions

The Gathering: none. S.S. Coachella: 21+. Point: If you're under 21, The Gathering, though a teen-free Coachella would be nice. Drugs

Let's face it, drugs are a big part of any festival. Good luck sneaking your pills onto a cruise ship (someone's gotta make it work). There are also heavy restrictions on smoking, and you can't bring any food or drink on board (not even water). You can probably barter Faygo for some drugs at The Gathering.

Point: (if you're into drugs) The Gathering

 

Kool Keith
Kool Keith

Drink of choice

S.S. Coachella: PBR, which is gross, but you most likely won't end up wearing it. The Gathering: Faygo, which you will probably be drenched in many times a day.

Point: S.S. Coachella. Life's important questions

The Gathering: "Fucking magnets, how do they work?" S.S. Coachella: "Is this granola gluten-free?"

Point: The Gathering, unless you're a physicist with celiac.

The people watching

This is best resolved with video wars:

The Juggalos episode of Workaholics (do yourself a favor and watch it on Netflix)...

...and follow it up with the Hipster Olympics.

Point: The Gathering (You can see plenty of hipsters in Phoenix as it is.) Other things to do

The Gathering: Watch comedians like Bobcat Goldwaithe and Cheech and Chong, see Wrestlers beat the crap out of each other. There also will be oil wrestling, Faygo wet t-shirt and lingerie contests, because believe it or not, there are some hot Juggalettes out there. Not convinced? There are carnival rides, a freakshow, a swimming hole, and a freakin' magician.

S.S. Coachella: Spend a few days in The Bahamas or Jamaica. It's basically a glorified Booze Cruise packed with hipsters, though if you're lucky, you can party with James Murphy, and say, "I'm on a boat, motherfucker."

Point: The Gathering.

Final Tally: S.S. Coachella: 2 The Gathering: 8

Conclusion: Unless you're a huge Pulp or Raekwon fan, stay home. If you have a couple grand to blow, fly somewhere nice like Hawaii or Europe and wait for your favorite band to come to Phoenix. Otherwise, we'll drink some Faygo with you at The Gathering, woop woop.

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