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Justin Timberlake Is Totally Shit at Music, But Here's Why You Should Still Like Him

Here is J.T. speaking at some Walmart-related press conference. Why? Because fuck it, that's why.
Here is J.T. speaking at some Walmart-related press conference. Why? Because fuck it, that's why.

Justin Timberlake's reunion with music is causing some weird flashbacks and leaving a miserable taste in my mouth. His new album is the pinnacle of mediocrity and exemplifies all that can go wrong when commercialism meets music. "Suit and Tie" makes me want to burn a stack of Esquire magazines and is further proof that Jay-Z isn't remotely as great as he thinks he is.

Yet Justin Timberlake, aside from his soulless music, is actually pretty awesome. I think I could enjoy a Bud Light Platinum with him, even though I have never had a Plat. (Is that the correct slang?) I think I could maybe even let him drive us home after having a few too many Plats. I think I could stifle my giggles when he talks himself out of a ticket because the cop at the DUI checkpoint is a woman. I think I could live with it if we later prank-call Ryan Gosling. I think I could even wake up in the morning with a crushing Plat hangover and not feel like a total tool.

I can't say that about many celebrities of Timberlake's caliber. Everyone else (Chris Brown, Robert Pattinson, Justin Bieber, Drake, Kanye West) appears as if they would try to strangle me after I asked them, "What was the last book you read?" But there's something different about The Other Mr. T.

I can find a number of reasons to like Justin. I mean, it's obvious that Timberlake has a good sense of humor. However, it's definitely not his appearances on Saturday Night Live. Do you remember when SNL was actually funny? Yeah, neither do I. Perhaps it never was. And Justin's "Dick in the Box" joke never rang with me, especially after I saw some 10-year-old kids singing along to it at the local IHOP. Don't get me started on that Jimmy Fallon thing. All that did was remind me how much boy bands ripped off barbershop quartets, only with more estrogen.

But did you know that Justin Timberlake danced onstage in a dolphin suit at a Flaming Lips concert? Fuck. Anyone who can hang with Wayne Coyne and company must be an amusing guy to drop 2C-B with in Oklahoma.  

Plus, I refuse to believe Justin takes any of his music seriously. Even in his N*SYNC days, you can sorta tell he was doing it just to get chicks. What a genius move, creating a boy band. Sure, he sacrificed his dignity at first, but he was giggling all the way to the bank with a model on each arm. "People actually fall for this stuff?" He musta thought. "This is the ultimate

Punk'd

prank! On

America

!"

Mr. Bieber (a.k.a., the "other" Justin) ripped off Timberlake a decade later on Twitter, only he was totally serious. Look at how much respect Bieber gets now.

Second, Timberlake is gonna save us from America's ultra-conservative and ultimately reckless fear of indecency. Remember that whole Super Bowl "incident" in 2004, when Justin slipped Janet Jackson's top off? And because of his gleeful prank, Americans saw a whole entire nipple! I've always contended that making female chest plates "obscene" is anti-feminist. It's certainly not the end of the world. What are we, Russia? Parts of Europe allow ta-tas on TV and they aren't burning to the ground. Well, I mean, except for sometimes. Bad example. The point is, Timberlake is promoting free speech and a healthy respect for females.

I don't for a second believe that the wardrobe malfunction was an accident, because it was just so perfect. Besides, as Justin has demonstrated repeatedly in his career, he can and will do whatever he wants. That's actually what I like most about him. He does whatever he wants, but he does it with class.

Yeah, he's kind of a sell-out, his music is irrelevant, his acting is decent (even if his agent needs to be fired), but he's Timberlake and he don't give a fuck. We should all live our lives extravagantly and elegantly. We don't need an excuse. Maybe we'll look back and be able to laugh at ourselves. That's true 20/20 vision for you right there. I'll raise a Plat to that, Justin. Keep up the mediocre work.

Send your hate mail to troyfarah.com


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