Katy Perry Gives The Worst Sex Advice Ever

Katy Perry Gives The Worst Sex Advice Ever

See also: A Tour Doc Reveals Katy Perry's Essential Katy Perry-ness See also: Katy Perry's 10 Best Looks and Lyrics See also: Five Totally Rad Things About Katy Perry


Watching the trailer for Katy Perry's movie, Part of Me, raised a lot of questions: Why is this movie in 3D? Why does it exist? Why am I forced to watch this in the theater for Moonrise Kingdom? Why God, why?

But what I wondered most is why the preview totally ignores Perry's fundamental nastiness.

In the film, Perry's life story is somehow twisted into an inspiration for young females. Why they'd want to be a "firework" is a pertinent question, because those explode and fizzle out into nothingness. But besides that, Katy Perry is about as good a role model as Charles Manson or Hunter S. Thompson, or fuck it, even me (read: those are not good role models).

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Judging from her lyrics, Perry really likes sex. And there's nothing wrong with that, right? But so does Sasha Grey, and at least the pornstar reads Jean-Paul Satre. If I had to choose who to talk to over coffee, it wouldn't be the Teenage Dream queen -- there's just no substance there (plus, Sasha Grey's into music). I can't imagine even chatting with Perry, so the idea of taking advice of any kind from Perry is the juice of nightmares, especially sex advice. Let me explain.

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I'm divided if this song is genius or middle school lunch hour (considering Katy Perry penned a song called "Ur So Gay," I'm thinking the latter.) But Katy almost found a way to say "cock" on the radio, once again proving how incredibly stupid the Federal Communications Commission is. Can we fire these airwave hawks already and take back a tiny shred of the First Amendment? The FCC won't let the Rolling Stones sing "You're a starfucker" but just because she doesn't say the word, Katy can babble on about how eager she is to gaggle at a C-O-C-K.

Turns out, this song is full of terrible, terrible advice. Obviously, in the song, Katy has just loaded up at the bar and probably popped a couple Valiums. Now she's as horny as a jackrabbit on Viagra and has just got to see the goods before she commits to dragging this cornered loser home. But don't do it, man! If a girl asks you to whip out your lizard in public, you could be slapped with all kinds of fines, risk a minimum of six years in prison and even end up on one of those pedo lists.

In fact, the laws in this backwards country are so fucked up, you can get on one of those lists just for taking a tinkle in public. Can you imagine? I piss in public all the time, once even spraying my urine all over a ragtop convertible Mercedes-Benz. I was very, very pissed (as in drunk), but I didn't get caught, so my mugshot won't be mailed to my new neighbors every time I move. You, however, should not heed Katy's lust-filled, drunken advice. Like your alcoholic aunt might say if she catches you groping a girl at a pool party, "Get a fucking room, you shitheads. And use a fucking condom."


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