MORE

Katy Perry Gives The Worst Sex Advice Ever

Katy Perry Gives The Worst Sex Advice Ever

See also: A Tour Doc Reveals Katy Perry's Essential Katy Perry-ness See also: Katy Perry's 10 Best Looks and Lyrics See also: Five Totally Rad Things About Katy Perry


Watching the trailer for Katy Perry's movie, Part of Me , raised a lot of questions: Why is this movie in 3D? Why does it exist? Why am I forced to watch this in the theater for Moonrise Kingdom ? Why God, why?

But what I wondered most is why the preview totally ignores Perry's fundamental nastiness.

In the film, Perry's life story is somehow twisted into an inspiration for young females. Why they'd want to be a "firework" is a pertinent question, because those explode and fizzle out into nothingness. But besides that, Katy Perry is about as good a role model as Charles Manson or Hunter S. Thompson, or fuck it, even me (read: those are not good role models).

Judging from her lyrics, Perry really likes sex. And there's nothing wrong with that, right? But so does Sasha Grey, and at least the pornstar reads Jean-Paul Satre. If I had to choose who to talk to over coffee, it wouldn't be the Teenage Dream queen -- there's just no substance there (plus, Sasha Grey's into music). I can't imagine even chatting with Perry, so the idea of taking advice of any kind from Perry is the juice of nightmares, especially sex advice. Let me explain.

Peacock

I'm divided if this song is genius or middle school lunch hour (considering Katy Perry penned a song called "Ur So Gay," I'm thinking the latter.) But Katy almost found a way to say "cock" on the radio, once again proving how incredibly stupid the Federal Communications Commission is. Can we fire these airwave hawks already and take back a tiny shred of the First Amendment? The FCC won't let the Rolling Stones sing "You're a starfucker" but just because she doesn't say the word, Katy can babble on about how eager she is to gaggle at a C-O-C-K.

Turns out, this song is full of terrible, terrible advice. Obviously, in the song, Katy has just loaded up at the bar and probably popped a couple Valiums. Now she's as horny as a jackrabbit on Viagra and has just got to see the goods before she commits to dragging this cornered loser home. But don't do it, man! If a girl asks you to whip out your lizard in public, you could be slapped with all kinds of fines, risk a minimum of six years in prison and even end up on one of those pedo lists.

In fact, the laws in this backwards country are so fucked up, you can get on one of those lists just for taking a tinkle in public. Can you imagine? I piss in public all the time, once even spraying my urine all over a ragtop convertible Mercedes-Benz. I was very, very pissed (as in drunk), but I didn't get caught, so my mugshot won't be mailed to my new neighbors every time I move. You, however, should not heed Katy's lust-filled, drunken advice. Like your alcoholic aunt might say if she catches you groping a girl at a pool party, "Get a fucking room, you shitheads. And use a fucking condom."

 

Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)

Katy's use of euphemism is second only to Rosie O'Donnell's "Kids Are Punny," but I'm surprised at the number of people who don't realize song glorifies date rape, which is just tragic. Ms. Perry wakes up in bed with someone she doesn't know, can't explain bruises, and her memory is as bright as Jason Bourne's. If you don't think she was sipping GHB, consciously or not, you probably think Britney Spears waited for marriage.

Hey Katy, I remember my first beer, too. I remember causing myself hangovers that felt like anesthetic-free liver surgery and going an entire month I can't account for. I remember flipping off my bike and walking around with cheek scratches for weeks. I'm lucky I still have all my teeth, internal organs, and didn't contract venereal disease.

I see the irony in this song (*cough cough Ke$ha rip-off cough*) but the same idiots that will wait in line to see a 3D version of Katy's whip cream jizz stream into their faces probably won't pick up on the joke. Sex plus alcohol equals fun, but so does heroin plus anal. A little here and there won't kill you, but where do you draw the line? I think, after the whole "been there, done that" thing, I'll stop short of losing my motor skills and burning out nerve connections in my memory.

 

I Do Not Hook Up

Although performed by Kelly Clarkson, this song was written by Katy, who didn't record it probably because she couldn't pull it off with a straight face (and maybe it would look back too much on her past as an attempted Christian pop starlet). And yet this tune has become an anthem for abstinence-touting families around the nation, comfortable in their pastoral suburbia and blissfully unaware that their 11-year-old daughters are already googling what "ménage à trois" means because "lol, Katy said it would be fun!"

This inevitably goes deeper, leading to attitudes ignoring safe sex. When your role models say one thing, turn around and do another, teenagers aren't so good at understanding the consequences.

 

I Kissed A Girl

Katy Perry actually told the BBC this about her breakout hit: "I think that it's one of those subject matters that is, you know, like 'oh my god I can't believe she said that, that someone came out and said it'."

The funniest part of this song is that anyone ever thought it was edgy. Peaches told us to "Fuck the pain away" and Amanda Palmer talked to us about sex toys while Katy was still struggling with her Christian identity. Even Jill Sobule wrote a song with the same title back in 1995.

The saddest part of this song is how Katy capitalized on homophobia to become such a rich bitch. In the song, she can smooch with a girl in order to make her boyfriend jealous, then scuttle back to the safety of her heterosexual privilege.

This could also apply to quite a number of idiotic girls I met in college that wanted to "experiment." Go for it, but do you really have to be so hands on? This isn't fucking Snow White and kisses aren't fucking magical. If homosexuality is really something you're born with, you'd think it'd make a bigger announcement before you drank too many vodka cranberries.

In conclusion, don't waggle your genitals in public, don't pretend to be a lesbian when you're straight, and don't be a hypocrite. Most of all, don't listen to Katy Perry's advice. Maybe you shouldn't listen to her music either.


Follow us on Twitter and friend us on Facebook

Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >