Kings Of Leon Headlining Coachella is the Problem, Pigeons are the Solution

Kings of Leon singer Caleb Followill and his awesome scarf.
Kings of Leon singer Caleb Followill and his awesome scarf.

Well, the official 2011 Coachella lineup hit the interwebz last night. A happy day indeed, even if Kings Of Leon are headlining Friday.

Seriously, though, Kings of fucking Leon? Why not Drowning Pool?

When you've got The Strokes playing Sunday why does anyone need to see a shitty imitation Friday?

And are organizers really so desperate for a buck -- despite the fact that the festival sold out last year -- that they'd book these marble-mouthed bumpkins, knowingly drawing the sort of idiots who like that shitty band to their idyllic festival

Is some brand of lime-flavored beer kicking in major sponsorship cash to Coachella or what?

"Certainly," I thought, "the Coachella organizers are smarter than that."

And of course they are: They're giving us the chance to relive arguably the greatest rock movement of 2010.

All we need is a couple hundred pigeons.

My initial thought was that I should attempt to buy a flock of the grubby birds myself -- how much could pigeons cost given their ubiquity in urban environments? If homeless dudes can afford to keep a few dozen as pets, surely someone gainfully employed as a music writer could afford a few breeding pairs. Or I could start trapping a few each day, hoarding them in rusty cages out in the desert, feeding them stale bread from bakery dumpsters then renting a U-Haul to transport them to Indio for release at just the right time -- probably that song Caleb Followill sings about how awesome he is and how almost every man, woman and child on the musty old island of England would gladly push the old lady in charge and her cute little Welsh corgis in front of a double-decker bus if she stood between them and their beloved Kings.

Then I got to thinking: Why should one man dedicate three months of his life to the (possibly) dangerous, (presumably) expensive and (probably) illegal practice of clandestine pigeon husbandry when we can all do a little?

First, let's all agree that the only way the first day of Coachella 2011 can be redeemed is some sort of birdshit-related calamity. And the only way we can make sure that happens is to all bring a pigeon or two ourselves. If everyone pitches in, it'll be a snap. Be the change, ya know?

Besides, it won't be so hard. Directions for trapping Pigeons are widely available online. Sneaking them in shouldn't be too much hassle. If you can get your hands on a homing pigeon just teach it to fly over the gates and meet you. If it's the regular kind, roll the bird gently in your sleeping bag. On the cue -- the song "Fans" -- everyone releases their pigeons in unison and the pigeons, presumably heeding their natural instincts, flock together, then shit on Kings Of Leon.

Who's in?

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