By Mary Carreon Big news! There's an album called 50 Shades of Dubstep. It's got -- you guessed it -- 50 songs of goddamn dubstep. Amazon says it came out in August, but it just arrived in our mailbox this month. And so, we did what any logical person would do: We listened to all four hours of it.
Except, that wasn't X-treme enough for us. We got to thinking about the erotic novel that "inspired" the album, Fifty Shades of Grey, and wondered whether the two might be related somehow. You know, like what happens when you listen to Dark Side of the Moon and watch The Wizard of Oz at the same time. Surely the bass and somebody's panties will drop simultaneously, right?
So, we did it. We read the book while listening to the album's three discs. Fuck our life!
2:30 pm: The opening track on the CD is titled "Wake You Up." At the beginning of the book the main character, Ana Steele, has just woken up. So we're off with a bang, with surely many, many more bangs to come.
2:42 pm: All this bass is making our brain rattle around. This must be what a concussion feels like.
2:44 pm: "Drop Bass Not Bombs" adds a layer of suspense to Ana's drive to meet her destined lover. We're weirdly on the edge our seat -- but that may just be because we've vibrated there.
2:50 pm: Maybe it's the venti chai tea latte with two shots of espresso we just chugged, or maybe it's because the song playing is called "Hyphycide," but we feel like getting hyphy. That can't be what normally happens when people read this book.
2:51 pm: Ana and her lover Christian Grey meet finally! It's starting to feel like a real porno up in here, complete with raunchy music and cheesy storyline.
3:09 pm: Our roommate's Chihuahua enters the room and jumps in our lap. This experience is becoming awkwardly obscene.
3:15 pm: The dubstep version of the "Cha-Cha Slide" kicks off. Our roommate abruptly barges into the room and begin to clap, clap, clap, clap her hands.
3:16 pm: Holy shit, this dubstep "Cha-Cha Slide" will never end.
3:36 pm: The chemistry between Ana and Christian is definitely amplified by the grinding, car crash screeching and laser beam shooting sounds of "Mad Rush." How romantic.
3:38 pm: Ana leaves Christian's office after meeting him for the first time. He helps her put her coat on, at which point her heart drops into her stomach. The song "Mad Rush" ends with the sound of a heart monitor. Coincidence?
3:47 pm: Ana drives home after meeting Christian and listens to "thumping indie rock."
3:55 pm: Not even a full disk through, and we already need some Advil. And a glass of wine.
4:15 pm: Disc two, thank god. Ana's talking about "exploring dark places." The track is called "Evil." Coincidence?
4:20 pm: Nothing like celebrating 420 with shitty dubstep and soccer mom porn.
4:34 pm: Christian asks Ana on a coffee date. She is thrilled and nervous. The song right now is "Erupt." Sexytime.
4:38 pm: Although, maybe not. "This isn't a party, this is a fucking revolution! Now shake that ass in the disco light," go the song's lyrics.
4:45 pm: At the coffee shop, Ana's heart is "thumping a dramatically uneven beat." The beat in the song "Erupt," meanwhile, is extremely unbalanced and noisy.
4:47 pm: Track four is the dubstep version of "Gangnam Style." Ugh.
4:50 pm: Okay, it's time for another, more massive glass of wine.
5:10 pm: Roommate pops head in: "HEY, SEXY LADY!"
5:26 pm: So. Much. Bass.
5:38 pm: Ana drunk-dials Christian. The song is "Dial Tone Glitch." Coincidence?
5:39 pm: Need more wine.
5:40 pm: Christian and Ana are on the dance floor together. If, like me, they are also listening to music that sounds like a lawn mower with laser beams, then they surely have much excitement ahead of them.
5:41 pm: Ana doesn't remember leaving the bar and wakes up wearing almost nothing in Christian's hotel room. We'd imagine too much dubstep also has that effect.
5:46 pm: Ana says Christian's sweat does odd things to her. Meanwhile, we are losing our equilibrium.
5:50 pm: "I want to join him in the shower right now . . . my hormones are racing," says Ana.
6:00 pm: While Ana takes a hot steamy shower with herself, the CD sounds like a garbage disposal mating with a blender. Ew.
6:15 pm: Our brain is literally pounding. The third disk has finally started.
6:20 pm: Ana and Christian are hooking up in the elevator. The song "Let the Spot Get Blown" plays. Ana describes it as "all bump and grind." Once again, we are slightly uncomfortable.
6:23 pm: We're going to make some popcorn.
6:31 pm: And get some more wine.
6:34 pm: Roommate just asked us to turn down the "shitty, fingers on a chalkboard" music.
6:43 pm: Ana says her senses are in disarray. She must have popped a molly.
7:00 pm: She says there's an "electrical attraction" to Christian. DMT, maybe?
7:08 pm: Is the track skipping, or is that just part of the song?
7:31 pm: So now it's the part where Christian and Ana finally arrive at the penthouse and he makes her sign a contract that requires her not to kiss and tell.
7:35 pm: Holy shit. Christian just took Ana into his "play room," which is a massive sex room with whips, chains, and all that kind of stuff. He's probably got this CD in there, because it also is torture.
7:48 pm: The bed-creaking sound made by electronic drums and synthesizer adds to the romance. Will Christian make love to her tonight? No, apparently, because: "I don't make love, I fuck . . . hard," he notes. Bwahahahahahahaha.
7:59 pm: Oh, shit. The bass is building and Ana just admitted that she's a virgin!
8:05 pm: As the bass dropped, so did her panties. Success!
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8:15 pm: Ana and Christian's first sexcapade is over, and so is the third disc. Coincidence?
Post-script: When the music stopped, we immediately fell to the floor in a sweaty heap, where we remained for 16 hours. We have yet to finish the book.