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NEW KIDS ON THE LAMARE THE BLOCKHEADS TAKING OUR YOUTH ON A PRETEEN PATH TO PERDITION?

So you've already forked over $26 to give little Brittany the night of her life at the New Kids on the Block concert. Mistake No. 1, blithely ignorant parent.

If you're smart, and you pay attention to the following handy-dandy (and utterly phantasmagorical) guide to the telltale signs of impending perdition, NKOTB-style, shelling out 26 bucks is the least of your worries. There will, however, be those misbegotten moms 'n' dads who let their beloved offspring attend the New Kids on the Block concert. And from the minute they kiss the kiddes bye-bye in the Compton Terrace parking lot Sunday, they'll realize they should've heeded New Times' friendly advice to lock up little Brit in her New Kids-paraphernalia-decked room, far, far away from Donnie "Satan" Wahlberg. Remember, a grounded New Kids on the Block fan is a happy and secure New Kids on the Block fan. Here's why: If you're not a heavy-metal fan, your drive to Compton Terrace to drop off your prepubescent Kids-fanatic likely will be your first to this Chandler concert venue. The drive to Compton Terrace is legendary for its unique traffic setup, whereby all drivers traveling are required to spend an average of 48 hours sucking bumper-to-bumper fumes in the event of a sellout concert, which the New Kids on the Block show is. Dizziness or hallucinations may result, but those benefits don't even begin to compensate for the negative consequences--namely frivolous waste of gas. Let's face it: With Hussein in a constant hissy-fit these days, needlessly belching out car exhaust in the Compton Terrace parking lot is more than just poor energy conservation. It's un-American.

We're not saying the New Kids on the Block concert will be as violent as your average heavy-metal show. Donnie "Ozzy" Wahlberg, for instance, has never bitten off the head of a bat onstage. And no one has ever slam-danced, stage-dived or moshed at a New Kids show. Don't let that lull you into a false sense of security. These Beantown brawlers, whose homeboys include Marvelous Marvin Hagler and Rocky Marciano, are not above solving disputes with hand-to-hand combat. In a recent incident, Donnie "Sean Penn" Wahlberg allegedly poked someone in the eye in the confusion of an aeronautical game of musical chairs. So you think it's cute that the New Kids sport earrings? Oh, if their ears were the only parts of their bodies they pierced. But, in fact, Donnie "Bonet" Wahlberg has a stud lodged in one of his nostrils. We, of course, don't object to the concept of nose rings, nor to the concept of nipple rings, which is the next part of the anatomy which nose-ringed kids tend to pierce. The problem is your friendly neighborhood Earring-A-Rama generally won't pierce nostrils. That means your child, in an effort to emulate Donnie "Lenny Kravitz" Wahlberg, will need to borrow the car keys without your permission for a trip to the all-night tattoo parlor, where a guy generally will push a knitting needle through a nostril for free, as long as the piercee doesn't tell anyone. Luckily, you can remedy the situation simply by shredding your child's copy of People, on which cover-boy Wahlberg so proudly displays his nasal jewelry.

Do New Kids on the Block encourage the consumption of illegal drugs? Well, the group does perform a reggae song on its new album. We, of course, don't object to reggae or the Rastafarian message often contained in its music. Reggae, however, leads to dreadlocks. Dreadlocks lead to what's known as "spliff" or "ganja" smoking or what's more commonly known as marijuana smoking. Here's what to look for: red, puffy eyes, the introduction of words like "irie," "Jah," and "Ziggy rules!" into your child's vocabulary, and a sudden interest in the debate over legalizing "spliffs."

Do New Kids on the Block encourage adultery? A wildly revisionist history suggests that during the uncertain days surrounding the start-up of the group in the early Seventies, happily married Donnie "Egg Man" Wahlberg left his childhood sweetheart, a Boston performance artist, for a wild fling out on the Coast with one May Pang. After lunching one day with Pang and teen idol David Cassidy, Wahlberg flew into a jealous rage, according to Albert Goldman's book The Lives of Donnie Wahlberg. "You flirted with David Cassidy," Goldman quotes Wahlberg as telling Pang. "I always knew you would cheat on me, and now I have the proof! Don't you know who I am? I'm Donnie Wahlberg!" Throughout this unfocused time, according to the book, Wahlberg proved himself to be an uncontrollable debaucher, routinely getting bounced out of bars after scrapping with patrons. Rock 'n' roll historians refer to this as "Wahlberg's Lost Weekend." Wahlberg, a whimpering shadow of his former self, eventually returned with his tail between his legs to Boston and his patient wife. They plan to record an autobiographical album titled Double Fantasy to document this unfortunate period.

Do New Kids on the Block inspire sexual arousal? After a lengthy investigation, the New York Times concluded that a New Kids concert "does have a dose of sexual suggestion." Leave it to the Times to understate the obvious. Spin went backstage at one of the group's shows to witness New Kid Danny Wood greeting a line-up of girls. "No screams accompany these personal encounters, but there are plenty of damp panties and moist eyes," was that magazine's conclusion.

Check out the questionable company New Kid Jordan Knight keeps. "If I want to go out at night, I go to a punk club where they don't care who I am," he told People magazine. Village Voice nightlife yenta Michael Musto, meanwhile, recently ran this report from the promoter of a New York club, which hosted a party for Madonna that was attended by Jordan: "I gave him a glass of champagne and he gulped it down in one sip," says the club official of her high jinks with Jordan. "When I handed him the second glass, he said, `Are you trying to get me drunk?' One of his bodyguards said, `Don't give him anymore.' I said, `What a stiff.' He wanted me to guess his age [it's twenty]. I didn't act like I was impressed with him, which I don't think he liked, or maybe he didn't like my Pucci blouse and platform sneakers. He'd never heard of sex lines. I called 970-PEEE and made him listen. He said he could barely hear."

One of the New Kids wears a Public Enemy tee shirt in the group's video for the song "Step by Step." Public Enemy has written one song detailing how to break out of jail and another that contains the lines, "Elvis was a hero to most/But he never meant shit to me."

After New Kids on the Block were awarded their first prenatal platinum album in the mid-Sixties, Donnie "Lucifuge" Wahlberg remarked, "We're more popular than Jesus right now." After public burnings of their records and bomb threats to stores that carried their music, Wahlberg apologized.

When in Seattle, New Kids on the Block often enjoy staying at the Edgewater Inn because it offers guests the opportunity to fish out of the windows. Here's what happened during an early-Seventies incident, according to a New Kids associate quoted in Stephen Davis' book Hammer of the Gods: The New Kids on the Block Saga: "We caught a big lot of sharks, at least two dozen, stuck coat hangers through the gills and left 'em in the closet. . . . " Another time, according to the biography, the Kids threw TV sets from their rooms into the water. In the early Seventies, Donnie "the Whopper" Wahlberg was also reported to have shot hotel-room TV sets when unfavorable shows about New Kids on the Block were aired.

What the New Kids like to call one another in private:
Jordan Knight: "Tiff"
Jonathan Knight: "Pooh"
Joe McIntyre: "Cherry Bomb"
Danny Wood: "Silk"
Donnie Wahlberg: "Spike"

New Kids' favorite records:
Jordan Knight: "Fuck the Police" by N.W.A.
Jonathan Knight: "Fuck the Police" by N.W.A.
Joe McIntyre: "Fuck the Police" by N.W.A.
Danny Wood: "Fuck the Police" by N.W.A.

Donnie Wahlberg: Cream Corn From the Socket of Davis by the Butthole Surfers

New Kids' favorite activities other than performing:
Jordan Knight: Putting big ol' bullfrogs in Jonathan's underwear.
Jonathan Knight: Calling up W. Axl Rose and hanging up when he answers.
Joe McIntyre: Giving himself paper cuts.
Danny Wood: Bossing people around at his recently purchased dairy farm.
Donnie Wahlberg: Engaging in arbitrage New Kids' favorite wines:
Jordan Knight: 1927 Chateau d'y Quem
Jonathan Knight: 1961 Chateau Lafite Rothschild
Joe McIntyre: 1959 Romanee Conti
Danny Wood: 1945 Chateau Latour
Donnie Wahlberg: Ripple

Ten names Donnie "Spit" Wahlberg wanted to call New Kids on the Block before discovering they'd already been taken:

GG Allin and the Scumfucs, Angst, Bambi Slam, Crucifucks, Dead Boys, Fartz, Martha and the Muffins, Motorhead, Squirrel Bait, Throbbing Gristle.

The New Kids' director of security is called "Biscuit."

New Kids on the Block will perform at Compton Terrace on Sunday, September 16. Showtime is 7:30 p.m.

Donnie Wahlberg has never bitten off the head of a bat onstage.

Do New Kids on the Block encourage the consumption of illegal drugs? Well, the group does perform a reggae song on its new album. Donnie "Sean Penn" Wahlberg allegedly poked someone in the eye in the confusion of an aeronautical game of musical chairs.


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