Patriot Pop Quiz

The Fourth of July is right around the corner. In case you've ever wondered how "American" you really are, here's a quiz to help you figure out some answers before the fireworks start.

1. Given the chance to actually wear the American flag, you would . . .

A) Turn it into a sexy leather halter top to accentuate your barely legal curves, like Britney Spears did on the cover of Rolling Stone's May 2000 issue. (0 points)

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B) Hack a hole in it and wear it as a tacky poncho to rock 2004's Super Bowl XXXVIII like Kid Rock did. (-2)

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C) Find two gay men to appear in a 1990 Rock the Vote commercial with you while you wear nothing but combat boots, lacy red lingerie, and a great big American flag like Madonna did. (1)

2. On "Living in the Promiseland," Willie Nelson sang, "Give us your tired and weak, and we will make them strong/Bring us your foreign songs, and we will sing along." His message was . . .

A) Immigrants, stay out. (-1)

B) America has never needed immigrants or their cultures to weave a complex tapestry of peoples, so, seriously, stay the fuck out. (-2)

C) If you believe in hard work, America will give you the chance to find some for less than minimum wage — but it's your job to look out for immigration services. (1)

3. The last time you made public comments about how much you opposed the current administration’s foreign policies, did . . .

A) Southern conservatives collect copies of your CD and destroy them in Nazi book-burning fashion to show their disgust for you? (-3)

B) Toby Keith prove he has no understanding of the U.S. Constitution by insisting you actually don't have the right to free speech? (-2)

C) You realize you were actually part of a staggering majority, and the only ones left to argue against you also believe Jesus is returning in this lifetime? (2)

Total score:

-8 to -1 points: You're just about as American as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or his pen pal Osama bin Laden.

0 to 2 points: You're the average American. Don't travel overseas, though; you're one of the dumbasses who make us look bad to other cultures.

3 to 4 points: This score means you're educated enough to be called an enemy of America by the Christian Right, but not quite artsy (read: gay) enough to also be called an enemy of God by them, too.

5 points: Holy mother of Abraham Lincoln, you bleed red, white, and blue. We're proud that you're an American!

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