Paul Ryan, You Might Wanna Relisten to These Rage Against the Machine Songs

Tom Morello and Paul Ryan: Both of these dudes like Rage Against the Machine.
Tom Morello and Paul Ryan: Both of these dudes like Rage Against the Machine.

Dear Paul Ryan,

Congrats on getting the nod for Romney's VP. Must be a big month for you. While you and I probably won't ever agree politically, I realize we have a few things in common. You and I are both male carbon-based lifeforms that breath oxygen and the melanin in our epidermis means we don't get profiled by the police. Oh, and we also like some of the same music, Led Zeppelin and Rage Against the Machine. I think the similarities end there.

I know you're already getting slammed for liking Rage, even by guitarist Tom Morello himself, but there's no reason why Rage can't be liked by everyone, even extremist neo-conservatives with poor math skills and no concept of female anatomy. But I have to ask -- did you fire your publicist or stab ice picks into your ears? It would appear so, if you haven't listened a little closer to Rage Against The Machine's lyrics. Let's revisit some of the songs and see what you've missed.

Now to be fair, I would critique hypocritical Democrats that listen to Rage, too, because party lines are a joke to me. Every four years, I vote for Donald Duck. But actually, Obama's Spotify playlist is pretty good, even though I'm 99% percent certain someone else chose the songs for him. Joe Biden's iPod? Clearly he doesn't listen to music because Joe Biden is an android. Anyway, let's get down to this, shall we?

Maggie's Farm

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I get why you were confused about this one, Paul. At first listen, you might think this ditty is just about some guy quitting his job on a plantation. Wrong-O! It's a metaphor, kind of like how the book Animal Farm was a metaphor. Did you read that one? ...No?

Well, depending on how you interpret this Bob Dylan cover, it could be about capitalist exploitation or the military industrial complex. But Mr. Ryan, didn't you just vote to increase defense spending by another $8 billion dollars, bringing the current level to $642 billion? Yeah... I don't think this song belongs on your iPod shuffle when you are Maggie's brother, Maggie's Pa, Maggie's Ma, and practically Maggie's whole farm.

Guerilla Radio

This one might confuse you too, Paul, 'cuz when I was a teen playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2, I thought this song was about South American radio shows. Maybe you even thought this song was about big mountain apes.

Um, it's not. It's actually about the 2000 presidential election and how worthless American elections are when we had to choose between "Gore or the son of a drug lord." In case you don't remember, it was discovered that while George H. W. Bush was prez, the CIA was handing out drugs to kids in the inner city, making Dubyah's dad as bad as Pablo Escobar.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem?" Well, Mr. Ryan, I'd do some soul searching, because once again, we aren't given much choice this election. I'm looking at you.

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