Friday, May 7, 2010 at 8:05 a.m.
Oh goddammit, are those lions? When will the shitty puns end? WHEN?
Band: Pride of the Garage
Title: Young Man's Game
Basics: Pride of the Garage is 46-year-old Dan Miles, a self-labeled procrastinator. What's better than procrastination when it comes to releasing an album? I don't know. Perhaps self-mutilation? That's what it feels like to listen to the 10-song Young Man's Game -- a stupid, punny name for an album released by someone four years shy of turning 50. Oh, but the stupid, asinine puns don't end at the album title. No sir, there's an entire album full of them.
Best Song: There is plenty of trepidation by labeling something as "best" on this album, but I already used the "there is nothing worthy of the label 'best' on this album" excuse last week. So I must settle on the instrumental "May for a Day." It is the fourth track on the album, and the previous three songs are so existence-ponderingly bad that an instrumental track feels like a fucking miracle. The song is 1:54 long, so it doesn't wear out its welcome, and I don't have to listen to Dan sing. That sums it up pretty tidily. There is literally nothing more to say.
Having to choose just one song for this distinction is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire career. Dan Miles' singing style, again, makes the Pampers Potty Dance dude
seem like Misfits-era Glenn Danzig. It is so whiny and nasally falsettoed that it really drives a gigantic nail through the heart of any enjoyment you might have listening to the album.
But don't let the vocals take all the credit, because Dan Miles' lyrics are some of the worst I have ever heard, and I loved the band Green Jellö/Jelly
and have listened to the entirety of My Penis is Made of Dogshit's Satan Gets an Abortion
(yes, that actually exists). The lyrics on Young Man's Game
-- oh my God, the lyrics. I literally had to sit in silence after listening to three songs just so I could regain my wits so as to stave off my going insane. Let's sample some, shall we?:
From "Biggest Thing," a 3:42 long song without a fucking chorus:
"The biggest thing since Mighty Mouse," "The biggest thing since Mini Me," "The biggest thing since Millie Small," "The biggest thing since Tiny Tim." This dipshit, oxymoronic pun would have sufficed once (not really), yet Miles beats you over the head with it four fucking times in the course of the song.
The A/B rhyme scheme throughout the entirety of the album gets old quick, but it's the lyrical content that is the worst element of this album. Miles manages to write a song, "Class of '81 & 1/2," which describes his difficulties throughout high school and cheerfully glorifies attending summer school. I know high school is not for everyone, but when did graduating high school become something difficult? Sure, we all have our distractions at that point in our lives, but it's fucking high school. Listening to this song just makes me sad. Perhaps Miles' struggles graduating the 10th grade explain why his album is so bad.
But he doesn't stop there, no. Miles chose to write a song about the generation that followed Baby Boomers, "Post Boom Babies." If I could have organized a poll on what would be the most uninteresting, blatantly boring subject matter for a song, I don't think "the generation following Baby Boomers" would have made the list because no one would have been that willfully dumb and unknowingly cynical to think that writing a song about people born in 1965 would be an affable choice. Such is the masterful logic of Dan Miles.
That being said, "Biggest Thing," Class of '81 & 1/2" and "Post Boom Babies" are all the worst song.
Suggestions: Stop making music and raise your kids.
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