Renaissance Faire 101: The What Not to Wear Episode

Hark! The Arizona Renaissance Festival is back for another glorious year, and that means giant turkey legs, jousts to the death, and big-breasted babes in bodices. We'll drink to that -- with a tankard of ale, natch! If you want to fit in with this carny crowd, you'll need proper attire. So we've assembled a short tip list for those wanting the full Rrrrenaissance (c'mon, roll those "Rs") Festival experience.

Thumbs up for the lady with the nice set of, er, strings.

  • If you want to fit in with the crowd, but don't want to drop a mint, check out the "rent-a-costume" booth by the main entrance. They'll get you outfitted as a prince or pauper, peasant or queen faster than you can say "Huzzah!" And for much cheaper than the 100+ bucks you'll pay for that starter wench kit inside.

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    If you dress in "garb" (that's nerd-speak for medieval costume) THEY WILL NOT PICK YOU as a volunteer. So, if you're dying to be part of the Ded Bob Show, skip the Robin Hood tunic or gothy Hot Topic "princess" dress.

  • Bondage gear, Halloween costumes and sparkly banana hammocks (don't laugh, I've seen that before!) DO NOT garb make.

Now, if you make garb mistakes, be sure geeks and families alike will be there to witness your tragedy. And so, for thy viewing pleasure, may we present the 1st Annual Arizona Renaissance Festival Hall of Shame from Opening Day 2009. Consider us the Mr. Blackwell of the RenFest Universe.  

Oh! How drunk did you two have to be to bet THIS? Let us hope that you're at least getting some later from the two giggling girls with you. And let us hope that you're NOT getting some while still in these outfits. Shudder.

I pity the fool who pairs a tacky jester costume with sneakers.

If you want to get pulled up for the Ded Bob Sho, dress as slutty as possible. If we can tell the color of your panties, even better. Like this girl...

Twice as nice from the back.

Bad, bad, baaaaaaad. What you do with farm animals on your own time is your own damn business. But, do you have to advertise it??

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Wait! Did I wander into the Victorian Festival? Or a Gone With the Wind-style southern belle party? The worst part is that I'm pretty sure this genteel southern "lady" is actually a guy. Please, oh please tell me this one's dressed as some freaky Japanime character I don't recognize, 'cuz Cosplay I can deal with. Random trannies in frilly white dresses with creepy stuffed animal backpacks, not so much.

Next Week on the New Times Renaissance Channel -- Thanks for the Mammaries: Babes & Wenches of the Arizona Renaissance Festival


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