Six Potentially True Rumors I've Heard About Ke$ha

Bonus rumor: Somebody might have airbrushed this photo.
Bonus rumor: Somebody might have airbrushed this photo.

I love Ke$ha. I'm not in love with her, per se, but sometimes I like to imagine that we go clubbing together and share laughs, and drinks, and the terrible secret of a brutal hit-and-run we've promised never to reveal. You know, the usual Friday night fare.

What is it that I love about Ke$ha, exactly? It's not just the music -- but believe me, I do love the music. It's the whole so-ridiculous-it-can't-possibly-be-real party girl persona that makes my heart flutter. Nothing is off limits with her, up to and including cannibalism and using Jack Daniel's as toothpaste.

That kind of brilliantly crafted insouciance lends itself perfectly to the rumor mill, and there are rumors about Ke$ha in spades. We've made a list of some of the better ones, complete with the probability of them being true.

Ke$ha writes her own music

It used to be that when you heard someone wrote their own music, you could picture them strumming their guitar and singing softly to themselves on their beer-stained basement couch. When you see the names 'Lennon and McCartney' written on the top of a piece of music, you know those two spent hours henpecking at each other at the piano while George and Ringo ate Lemonheads on the floor.

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In the year 2013, where dubstep is king, it's not even easy to define what "writing" means. Does it refer to the lyrics, so lovingly Keyser Soze'd together in the liquor-and- glitter aisle of a CVS, or does it refer to directing the auto-tuning?

Maybe it means choosing the samples or the instruments. It can't be easy to choose between the machine that goes 'DUH DUH DUH' and the machine that goes 'Bow-WOW-WOW-Bow-WOW-WOW'. Whatever writing used to be, it's far too fragmented now to attribute to any one or two individuals. So it's entirely likely that Kesha contributes in at least some way to the creative process, even if it's just by picking which songs talk about dicks.

Chances it's true: 85 percent. If she can make a sound, she can get a writing credit.

Ke$ha is secretly a man

Granted, you hear this rumor about every woman that gets within 50 feet of a guitar. Lady Gaga? Man. Fergie? Man. Freddie Mercury? Man. It's as if you need a penis to be musically competent, like you can use it as a guitar pick or something. The idea that you could be successful without one is ludicrous. How can you use a microphone if you can't pee standing up? How can you tear up "da club" if you're always pregnant?

These mysteries may never have answers, so for now, we have no choice but to assume the worst.

Chances it's true: 50 percent, the chances of a human being a man.


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