I love Ke$ha. I'm not in love with her, per se, but sometimes I like to imagine that we go clubbing together and share laughs, and drinks, and the terrible secret of a brutal hit-and-run we've promised never to reveal. You know, the usual Friday night fare.
What is it that I love about Ke$ha, exactly? It's not just the music -- but believe me, I do love the music. It's the whole so-ridiculous-it-can't-possibly-be-real party girl persona that makes my heart flutter. Nothing is off limits with her, up to and including cannibalism and using Jack Daniel's as toothpaste.
That kind of brilliantly crafted insouciance lends itself perfectly to the rumor mill, and there are rumors about Ke$ha in spades. We've made a list of some of the better ones, complete with the probability of them being true.
Ke$ha writes her own music
It used to be that when you heard someone wrote their own music, you could picture them strumming their guitar and singing softly to themselves on their beer-stained basement couch. When you see the names 'Lennon and McCartney' written on the top of a piece of music, you know those two spent hours henpecking at each other at the piano while George and Ringo ate Lemonheads on the floor.
In the year 2013, where dubstep is king, it's not even easy to define what "writing" means. Does it refer to the lyrics, so lovingly Keyser Soze'd together in the liquor-and- glitter aisle of a CVS, or does it refer to directing the auto-tuning?
Maybe it means choosing the samples or the instruments. It can't be easy to choose between the machine that goes 'DUH DUH DUH' and the machine that goes 'Bow-WOW-WOW-Bow-WOW-WOW'. Whatever writing used to be, it's far too fragmented now to attribute to any one or two individuals. So it's entirely likely that Kesha contributes in at least some way to the creative process, even if it's just by picking which songs talk about dicks.
Chances it's true: 85 percent. If she can make a sound, she can get a writing credit.
Ke$ha is secretly a man
Granted, you hear this rumor about every woman that gets within 50 feet of a guitar. Lady Gaga? Man. Fergie? Man. Freddie Mercury? Man. It's as if you need a penis to be musically competent, like you can use it as a guitar pick or something. The idea that you could be successful without one is ludicrous. How can you use a microphone if you can't pee standing up? How can you tear up "da club" if you're always pregnant?
These mysteries may never have answers, so for now, we have no choice but to assume the worst.
Chances it's true: 50 percent, the chances of a human being a man.
Ke$ha had sex with a ghost.
This one is true; she said it herself in an interview with Ryan Seacrest.
I'm not joking, look it up.
Chances it's true: 100 percent. She wouldn't lie about something like that.
Ke$ha went to Stanford and is a Secret Genius
The Stanford part of this rumor is easily debunked -- if you believe the so-called "facts" on Wikipedia -- but the secret genius part is harder to disprove. If it's true, it means she's been pretending to be a partier all along, and she's really a god who walks among us and uses a simplistic persona to relate to the common man.
Can you prove that God doesn't exist? That's what I thought.
Chances it's true: 2 percent. The chance of a person being a genius, and also the chance that Wikipedia doesn't know where Ke$ha went to college.
Ke$ha has been to prison
She's been referred to as a rapper on more than one occasion, and is also a known protestor for PETA. There's no way she hasn't been to prison.
Chances it's true: 101 percent. I'm so certain I added an extra percent.
Ke$ha was part of the Stanford Prison Experiment
Taking place over nine days in 1971, the Stanford Prison Experiment was a psychological study conducted to evaluate the interactions between prisoners and their guards.
Given that Ke$ha was born in 1987, the only way this rumor could be true is a viable means of time travel. To prove time travel, you'd have to first prove that every action taken in our universe creates an infinite string of branches leading off to different universes varying only slightly from our own, rather than our universe existing on a single timeline.
You'd also need to have an answer to the question, "If time travel exists, how come nobody's ever traveled back in time and told us about it?"
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Chances it's true: Only a genius like Ke$ha could know for sure.