Look, don't tell Netflix or Qwikster or whatever it's called today, but I am their perfect customer. When Netflix raised prices, I didn't cancel my plan. When CEO Reed Hastings announced that the service would be splitting into two services, Netflix for streaming video, and the absurdly named Qwikster, for physical DVDs, I didn't cancel my plan. I just sort of went with it.
But there are a lot of people way less "go-with-the-flow" than me. (They are called intelligent consumers, or Redbox users. I don't know.) Yesterday, Netflix announced that Qwikster was no more -- before actually, you know, rolling out the service, but many analysts wonder if the damage is already done. Stock is down, and many customers have bolted in the wake of the baffling changes. (Aptly described in SNL's parody video: "We raised our rates from $10 a month to $16 a month, but that's not all. We knew you loved Netflix because it was an easy to use website for all your movie needs. To make it better, we split it into two separate, slightly more confusing sites.")
What Netflix needs is some flowers, chocolates, and a mix CD to woo its customers back; to comfort those who have left, those that unlike me, won't just sit still and take the abuse.
I love you Netflix, despite your blunders. You have The Wonder Years, streaming, and in order to make sure you don't go under before I make it to the touching finale, here are ten songs that should help ease the pain of your fleeing customers, and maybe get them to come back home.
Player, "Baby Come Back"
It does not get much smoother. I does not get much more contrite. "Baby, come back/You could blame it all on me/I was wrong/And I just can't live without you."
Bo Diddley, "I'm Sorry"
Bo was a man. Bo wore a rattlesnake as a neck tie. But Bo knew when it was time to apologize, to come clean and bare his soul for forgiveness.
Social Distortion, "I Was Wrong"
Did Netflix react out of fear? Self destruction? We know how it goes. The world is a scary place, but you've got to learn how to love yourself, too, Netflix.
Babyface, "Sorry for the Stupid Things"
"Sometimes a man/Is gon' be a man/It's not an excuse/It's just how it is." It's how people are. And we know corporations like Netflix are people, too.
Chris Isaak, "Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing"
A bad, bad thing, indeed (unlike this video, which is...pretty awesome).
Brenda Lee, "I'm Sorry" (Woodhead and Blenda remix)
Because taking something awesome (Netflix, Brenda Lee's "I'm Sorry") and pointlessly altering it (Qwikster, dubstep-remixes) is always a bad idea.
Jackson 5, "I Want You Back"
You know, listening to this song makes any bad situation a little better. Just so perfect: "Oh baby, give me one more chance."
Nirvana, "All Apologies (MTV Unplugged)"
"I wish I was like you/Easily amused" (by 30 Rock and Cheers instant-watch streaming).
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Chicago, "Hard to Say I'm Sorry"
"After all that's been said and done, you're just the part of me I can't let go. Because you give me money." --Netflix