The Worst Songs From Pornhub's Song Search Contest [NSFW]

Coolio teamed up with Pornhub to release a music video earlier this year.
Coolio teamed up with Pornhub to release a music video earlier this year.
A capture from Coolio's Pornhub video

It's anyone's guess why the world's largest porn site is trying to get into music (maybe because no one likes paying for either?), but that's exactly what Pornhub is attempting to do. First they tried to make Coolio relevant again with a boring video featuring chicks wagging their silicon-filled breasts everywhere (this link is so NSFW that I really hope you get fired if you click it). Besides being more grotesque than arousing, Coolio seems as excited about titties as a 13-year old who just discovered Playboy. Now, Pornhub wants to bring out the 13-year old in you by hosting a songwriting contest.

The idea is, record a song related to porn or the site, post it to Pornhub, and maybe they'll give you five grand to turn it into a slutty video featured on the site with 500,000 guaranteed views. No idea how they guarantee those views, especially since the winning song is almost guaranteed to be completely awful.

Let's break down lust and see why this is so idiotic. You are a human being, a relatively gigantic cluster of cells with one purpose: create more cell clusters before your cluster breaks down and dies. So your body releases hormones that try to trick you into doing that. Nothing more. It's cool and all if you screw or jerk off, and it's certainly fun and feels great. Just remember they're not novel urges; therefore, are they really worth celebrating? Hormones are just zombie voices that constantly whisper "MUUUUUSST FUUUUUUUUUCK" until you give in for a moment of relief. It's hardly special.

Not that I'm above porn -- despite my best efforts, I'm only human. But let's not pretend that squatting in your socks while frantically rubbing yourself until you get fluid all over yourself is some kind of magical event.

So a long list of songs that celebrates masturbation is, of course, going to be pretty stupid. I tried to find a single example that was remotely good, but the best I could do is find a few meh tracks that aren't even worth mentioning. There seriously is nothing novel to say about touching yourself that the Divinyls haven't already covered. Without further ado, here are the worst songs from The Pornhub Song Search Contest.

"Tissues Or Socks" By Jacob Miller And Meghan Price Um, did someone hit Kimya Dawson over the head with a brick? At least these guys are trying to get creative (rather than screeching "Pussy!" over and over) but it's still a song about what you jizz into. What's next, a song about q-tips and tampons? Thankfully, this is only a minute long.

"Pornhub Song" By Jesse Flores The Casio keyboard beats make this sound like a Wiggles song. I'm positive this kid has never touched a real boob before.

"Chorus At Your Fingertips" By Scooby It sounds like he's plinking a little kid's piano while "Scooby" (someone please sue him for copyright infringement) mutters about how many choices PornHub has. If this guy ever walked into a Baskin Robbins, he'd shit himself.

"Categories" By Xanax Attack Another song about how many different perverted options Pornhub offers. I have no idea what genre this is going for -- somewhere between growling "nipples" into a Darth Vader mask and sounds Jim Gaffigan's butt makes.

"Happy Porn" by The Shank Factory Maybe "Happy Porn" is a reference to all the fake smiles and fake orgasms? Nah, that'd be too conceptual. Instead, this sounds like a commercial for adult diapers.  

"It's Only Natural" By Eskille Let's get one thing straight - masturbation is natural, pornography is not. Unless you think Penthouse just grows on trees and our ancient ancestors were plucking glossy magazines from the banana bushes. In reality, back when humans were hunter-gatherer groups, there were two types of adults: those that fucked without abandon and spawned generations of children and those that were forced to sit in the shadows of the caves and watch the others. Guess which one got to pass down their genes and which ones are just sad sacks of self-pity?

"WET (The Anthem)" - D. Lo This one had 30 upvotes and 15 downvotes, so it's probably one of the better ones. It's still godawful. Every chanting of "PORNHUB DOT COM" sounds like a bad attempt at subliminal messaging, but when you hear "it makes your dick big" you know this is just one step away from being a Viagra spam email.

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"Pornhub Music" - SKG Feat. Austin The White Rapper Wow. That thumbnail. Just fucking die.

In the interest of objectivity, I might have missed a song that was actually worth listening to, but I had to stop after a while and bleach my ears. Feel free to leave tracks in the comments.

Follow Troy Farah on Twitter.

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