December 5, 2011 | 5:30am
Bah! You know, Christmas is all about commercialism and stampeding people for the cheapest television. Just like Jesus wanted. While I always appreciate a good competition, I think this year... this year is a Festivus sort of year.
The last thing we want to do is promote any official Festivus jingles, (because Christmas music is the worst kind of music. It can be scientifically proven. We don't want to emulate that,) but these songs would accompany any of your Festivus traditions brilliantly.
So, these songs are devoted to us - the Christians have Christmas, the Jews have Chanukah - We, those who don't give a shit, have Festivus. It's a Festivus for the rest of us!
The Airing of Grievances - Cee Lo Green - "Fuck You"
Festivus is one time of year you can get everyone close to you in a room and tell them how they've wronged you over the last year. While there are much more specific songs for your personal instances, we see like this Cee Lo classic is an all-encompassing tune for the tradition.
Feats of Strength - Bill Conti - "Gonna Fly Now"
It isn't Festivus until a guest beats the host of Festivus dinner in a wrestling match. Call this a cliché choice, but you really should have taken the opportunity to tell us during the Airing of Grievances. Now you have to wait a full year before you have another opportunity.
Festivus Miracles - ICP - "Miracles"
Unlike Christmas miracles, Festivus miracles can really get the credit for any coincidental happening that can be easily explained away. What other things can be explained away? Giraffes, magnets and shooting stars.
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