I don't come by country music fandom naturally; people who do tell me that there are many reasons to enjoy the music of Miranda Lambert. But the most accessible route to Miranda Lambert appreciation ahead of Thursday's concert at Desert Sky Pavilion, so far as I can tell, is through her songs about taking a vicious and final revenge on men who have done her or someone else wrong.
Here, then, are 10 of those songs. Please be careful around her.
10. Time to Get a Gun
Time to get a gun That's what I've been thinking I could afford one If I did just a little less drinking Time to put something Between me and the sun When the talking is over It's time to get a gun
When the party is over It's time to get a gun
This is more a prequel to revenge than actual revenge, but once she gets the gun she puts it to good use. Note to self: Do not let the party be over.
9. Sin for a Sin
By the don't-show-Jaws-right-away principle, it is even more unnerving when Miranda Lambert does not immediately explain what her revenge is.
I remember vividly what that vision did to me You laying with her in our bed Love can be a tradgedy When you do what you did to me All I'm seeing now is red
I need to repent A sin for a sin
8. Trailer for Rent
The Pistol Annies, Lambert's side project (with Ashley Monroe and Angaleena Presley), will be performing on Thursday. They may or may not perform this one, about a woman who is fed up enough with her man to sell the trailer out from under him. (But not fed up enough to use Craigslist.)
I said to the man I need to place an ad How much will it be for the four lines? 'Cause my husband's pissed me off for the last time
Trailer for rent, no down payment Comes with some holes and dents Where I got tired of his shit Call if you're interested, trailer for rent
7. Fastest Girl in Town
I see the blue lights, we better run. Throw out the bottle and I'll hide the gun If he pulls us over I'll turn on the charm You'll be in the slammer and I'll be on his arm.
Ain't no use in trying to slow me down 'Cause you're running with the fastest girl in town
Not about revenge as such so much as everybody else's inability to enact revenge on her. After starting fires, drinking and driving (open container laws may or may not apply), and firing guns with her first-verse beau, she's perfectly happy to escape with The Law if her outlaw can't keep up.
6. White Liar
Cuz my cousin saw you on the street With a red head named Bernice Turns out you don't lie too well
Hey white liar The truth comes out a little at a time And it spreads just like a fire Slips off of your tongue like turpentine And I don't know why White liar
Here's a bombshell just for you Turns out I've been lying too
Miranda Lambert is always three revenge steps ahead. You're thinking about cheating on her and not telling her about it? Too bad! She's already cheating on you and not telling you about it! Checkmate!
5. Mama's Broken Heart
In which Miranda Lambert ponders a different kind of revenge. But I have to think that--in the sequel to this song--it'll be revealed that she decided to just burn the guy's house down instead.
Can't get revenge and keep a spotless reputation Sometimes revenge is a choice you gotta make My mama came from a softer generation Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face
4. Hell on Heels
"Hell on Heels," from the Pistol Annies, appears to be about some kind of country-woman Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving to fans who like to high-five when they sing about stealing Poor ol' Billy's credit card.
I got a pink guitar A Lincoln town car From ol' what's his name I meet at a bar Got a high rise flat in Hollywood From a married man wasn't up to no good I'm hell on heels Baby, I'm coming for you'
Featuring a meta-country interlude, a harmonica, and arson.
Life ain't hard but it's too long to live it like some country song Trade the truth in for a lie, cheating really ain't a crime I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me
Forget your high society, I'm soakin' it in kerosene Light 'em up and watch them burn, teach them what they need to learn, ha! Dirty hands ain't made for shakin', ain't a rule that ain't worth breakin' Well I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me
2. Gunpowder & Lead
Yeah, I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun Wait by the door, and light a cigarette If he wants a fight, well, now he's got one And he ain't seen me crazy yet He slapped my face, and he shook me like a rag doll Don't that sound like a real man? I'm going to show him what little girls are made of Gunpowder and lead
His fist is big, but my gun's bigger He'll find out when I pull the trigger
1. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
This one's a gimme, of course -- it opens with "I brought my pistol / but I ain't some kinda fool," and that isn't even the verse I'm going to excerpt.
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I started throwing things, and I scared folks half to death I got up in his face, smelled whiskey on his breath Didn't give a second thought to being thrown in jail 'Cause, baby, to a hammer everything looks like a nail I'm mad as hell
Well, those pretty girls -- they're all the same But they're damn well gonna know my name
This, of course, should frighten you more than any other Miranda Lambert revenge song. This guy doesn't even deserve it.