This all got me to thinking -- why not make a list of the top ten "your music sucks" comments? These comments are usually indefensible and lend very little to the conversation/rapport that we as writers have with our readers, yet they are an absolute necessity in the "I'm always right" environment of Internet commenting. There's nothing at all wrong with the idea of these "your music sucks" comments. We as writers subject our readers to our opinions and the comments we allow our readers to make effectively subject us to their opinions.
Having said all of that, here now are the top ten "your music sucks" comments. If we can't all get together and laugh at each other every once in a while, then what the hell are we even doing here?
10. "Sorry my pants aren't tight enough to enjoy your music."
This one is applied to indie rock 100% of the time. Tight pants can be substituted for fedoras, scarves, gloves or whatever else people who claim to not be hipsters believe actual hipsters to dress like. The reality of this comment is that it only gives credence to the fact that indie rock is insanely popular right and has been for quite some time -- there's just no escaping it. So what if a bunch of 20-somethings in Williamsburg all dress in a similar matter? Those same 20-somethings all dressed the same in San Francisco circa 1967 and look how that turned out.
9. "People actually still listen to this?"
No one comment points out a blatant disregard for new music or new genres than this one. Actually taking the time to make this comment only goes shows just how out of touch the original commenter has become.
8. "Oh great, some band no one's ever heard of."
Perhaps you're right about that, commenter, but sometimes the point of our writing is to help gain some exposure for that band "no one's ever heard of." Most of the time, however, many people and their respective blogs have, indeed, heard of said band that "no one's ever heard of." Sometimes it just takes some time for a band's profile to really take off.
7. "I can't believe people still play this kind of music/that genre is long-dead."
High holy shit, how could bands like Interpol and Bloc Party even dare to bring back post-punk? It's been dead since the 80s! These supposed "long-dead" genres were once popular in their respective heydays, why not take a chance, dust off the genre and put a unique spin on it? Sometimes an homage as such isn't the worst thing in the world.
6. "That band hasn't been relevant for five years."
This comment isn't necessarily incorrect, but it does very little to further any real discussion of the aforementioned band. The band in question may have not been relevant enough for your strict tastes, commenter, but they were probably still touring and writing material for their next album. Hopefully the release of their next album will bolster their supposedly dying relevancy.
5. "I might actually enjoy this if I was drinking a PBR/smoking some weed."
There's no one way to get to the core of a hipster's being than mocking their supposed drink of choice, Pabst Blue Ribbon. Marijuana falls under this umbrella of mockery, as well, since smoking weed is supposed to help you understand music better somehow. A comment like this is just a tidy way to let other people know that the commenter has no intentions of trying to understand a promising new band or a new, popular genre because they "don't drink PBR" and, thus, couldn't possibly understand the strange beeps and bloops of a new genre.
4. "Why don't you just stick to [insert band here]?"
This comment comes with the added bonus of the commenter claiming some unforeseen empirical knowledge about the writer and their taste in music. The commenter would lead a happier life if the writer would just stick to their normal, usual bands that the commenter happens to believe they know and can thus peg the writer as being a fan. More often than not, the band inserted is either Lady Gaga or something else that blatantly goes against the writer's supposed tastes, so as to get the biggest rise out of the writer.
3. "It's hard to take you seriously."
Who's the serious one, here? All that the writer was hoping to accomplish was to share some of their favorites songs -- songs they think some people don't yet know about and would actually like to hear. The writer doesn't realize that divulging the somewhat personal information about their favorite music would result in the commenter viewing them as some sort of circus clown. Listening to chillwave has no correlation with one's appreciation of fart and/or dick jokes.
2. "You obviously know nothing about music."
Yeah, fuck it -- you're right, commenter. Music writers get paid to dick around all day, posting nonsensical ramblings that do nothing to further any sort of discussion about music and music-related issues. It's a little known fact, commenter, the majority most music writers don't, in fact, know anything about music and are taking random stabs in the dark whenever they chose to write about a certain band or genre. It's all one, big guessing game, this music writing.
1. "This band is garbage."
The comment really speaks for itself. As indefensible as it is useless, "this band is garbage" is truly the deus ex machina of Internet comments. A simple "I think" would help clarify things, rendering the comment itself a matter of personal taste and not as some supposedly well-known doctrine that we are all to abide by. However, that never happens. Ever.
Just so we're cool, I'll go ahead and list five songs that are in my heavy rotation as of right now. I do so because people often have their opinions about why a certain genre or band are "garbage" and then don't bother to fill everyone else in on what music they actually like. This behavior does absolutely nothing to further to conversation between writer and commenter. So go ahead and take a piss all over them if you want. This is the Internet, after all.