Santa's gonna be worn out after making it through this list.
Santa's gonna be worn out after making it through this list.
William M Connolley, via Wikipedia Commons

What Should Santa Bring Our Favorite Local and National Musicians This Year

Do you really buy it, for even a minute, that he's up there in the North Pole resting on his laurels while the elves have all the fun? Santa's always keeping tabs, checking his lists, and thinking of that perfect gift.

In an effort to help him out, we thought it might be useful to compile a little list of our own and help Santa take care of the musicians out there. Some have been naughty and some have been nice, and some have been somewhere in between. Here's what we think Santa should bring some of the household names out there, including a few local faves, and plenty of globally known folks your grandma might even know.

See also: 10 Best Music Videos from the Phoenix Scene in 2014

Bands who were not quite naughty or nice this year:

1. U2 - We wish Santa would bring Bono a slight case of amnesia. Not enough to make him forget how to sing or play his guitar, but just enough to forget he's "Bono." We'd love to see what the boys in U2 could do if their singer forgot they were the biggest band in the world and he could just go back to being part of a really great band who have, at least in the past, written some pretty compelling music.

2. Metallica - Even though he probably already has this, Santa should bring Lars Ulrich a calculator that is constantly confirming how much money he has lost due to people "illegally" sharing his music. Perhaps it could play the first few bars of "For Whom the Bell Tolls" every time the total increases by $100. Sure, this is old news, but if you have followed the story of Metallica at all, you know Lars does the math every day.

3. Pixies - Since there is such a thing as the Tupac hologram, Santa should bring the Pixies a Kim Deal hologram so they can just stop the revolving bass player nonsense. Realistically, even a Kim Deal hologram would have more stage presence than the rest of the band. Would anyone really fault them for having a quarter of the music pre-recorded at every gig?

4. Elton John - Santa should bring Sir Elton a Real Doll made to look exactly like Madonna. Even though he buried the hatchet last year, this would give him the opportunity to do whatever he'd like with a hatchet, or anything else, whenever he wants.

5. Madonna - Santa should give Madonna the power to occasionally possess Elton John's Real Doll and scare the shit out of him.

6. Coldplay - Santa should relieve all pressure on the band to constantly strive to be the greatest, yet blandest, band of all time. Compared to Coldplay, even the Beach Boys look edgy.

7. Radiohead - Santa has delivered lots of Monopoly games over the years. For Radiohead, they really should just get a "Get out of jail free" card, but in this case, it should read, "You don't need to be weird all the time."

8. Danzig - Too easy. More cat litter. Santa loves his pussies.

9. Miley Cyrus - Santa feels sad for Miley because she works so hard to be shocking all the time, so he's giving her some shag carpeting and a couple years' supply of wool socks.

10. Rolling Stones - Santa should give them both "Satisfaction" and the permission to retire. or at very least, permission to play small, dark clubs for the rest of their career.

These folks are just naughty:

1. Muse - Three people should not make such a big racket. Santa gives them a horn section and the urge to re-record every Chicago song ever.

2. Pink Floyd - Santa just got bummed when he fired up some of his pixie dust and settled in to listen to "The Endless River." Santa brings David Gilmour a bass only Roger Waters can play.

3. Fleetwood Mac - Santa brings Stevie Nicks a copy of "Prancercise."

4. Nicki Minaj - Santa is probably an ass man, but some asses are just ridiculous. Santa should bring Nicki two well-placed dart and a message that says, "Tell that media whore Kim Kardashian I'm coming for her next."

5. One Direction - We thought long and hard about this one. There is that scene in A Clockwork Orange where Alex is forced to watch porn and violence until he breaks. Santa should do this with One Direction and make them watch Slayer videos until they renounce pop music forever.

6. Arcade Fire - Santa is bringing them some gift certificates to Supercuts.

7. Justin Bieber - One on hand, Santa could bring Justin some testicles. On the other hand, Santa should just kick him in the ones he already has. Do Canadians even believe in Santa?

8. Marilyn Manson- Santa should bring him proof of paternity proving the Jacksonville, Florida band, Fit for Rivals, are his illegitimate children. Their mother is probably a member of the Backstreet Boys.

9. Neil Young - A DVD of Splash and a bottle of Viagra. Santa doesn't hold a grudge, though, and he's pretty sure he got Daryl Hannah first anyway. Oh wait, that was Jackson Browne.

10. Lady Gaga - Santa brings her a time machine so she can always go back to 2011 when she mattered.

And finally, the nice list:

1. The Butthole Surfers - Santa brings them a super fantastic tour bus shaped like Paul Leary's house so he never has leave home while they tour again. Please go on the road and show the youngsters how it's done, boys.

2. Beastie Boys - Santa brings them the ghost of MCA so they can make music together one more time.

3. Fugazi - Santa just wants to say thanks for putting out the "First Demo" this year. He brings the band nothing over $10.

4. OFF! - Santa should bring the dudes in OFF! a bucket of money so they can keep cranking out hilarious music videos.

5. St. Vincent - This band needs more trips to awesome record stores for inspiration as they choose what songs to cover next. Santa digs a Big Black cover and St. Vincent's cover of "Kerosene" is top notch. Maybe next time they'll cover something off of Hammerhead's "Into the Vortex."

6. JFA - Santa should banish all scooter riders from the skate parks for a year, or at very least, not deliver any scooters to kids this year.

7. Meat Puppets - Santa loves a good inside joke, so he's going to bring Cris Kirkwood a new bass head this year.

8. Soulfly - Santa understands how tough it is to keep a lot of people happy, and Max Cavalera does his best to do the same. Santa should bring the Cavaleras a nice long vacation.

9.Beck - New turntables and a microphone.

Find any show in Metro Phoenix via our extensive online concert calendar.

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