What Should Santa Bring Our Favorite Local and National Musicians This Year
Santa's gonna be worn out after making it through this list.
William M Connolley, via Wikipedia Commons
Do you really buy it, for even a minute, that he's up there in the North Pole resting on his laurels while the elves have all the fun? Santa's always keeping tabs, checking his lists, and thinking of that perfect gift.
In an effort to help him out, we thought it might be useful to compile a little list of our own and help Santa take care of the musicians out there. Some have been naughty and some have been nice, and some have been somewhere in between. Here's what we think Santa should bring some of the household names out there, including a few local faves, and plenty of globally known folks your grandma might even know.
Bands who were not quite naughty or nice this year:
1. U2 - We wish Santa would bring Bono a slight case of amnesia. Not enough to make him forget how to sing or play his guitar, but just enough to forget he's "Bono." We'd love to see what the boys in U2 could do if their singer forgot they were the biggest band in the world and he could just go back to being part of a really great band who have, at least in the past, written some pretty compelling music.
2. Metallica - Even though he probably already has this, Santa should bring Lars Ulrich a calculator that is constantly confirming how much money he has lost due to people "illegally" sharing his music. Perhaps it could play the first few bars of "For Whom the Bell Tolls" every time the total increases by $100. Sure, this is old news, but if you have followed the story of Metallica at all, you know Lars does the math every day.
3. Pixies - Since there is such a thing as the Tupac hologram, Santa should bring the Pixies a Kim Deal hologram so they can just stop the revolving bass player nonsense. Realistically, even a Kim Deal hologram would have more stage presence than the rest of the band. Would anyone really fault them for having a quarter of the music pre-recorded at every gig?
4. Elton John - Santa should bring Sir Elton a Real Doll made to look exactly like Madonna. Even though he buried the hatchet last year, this would give him the opportunity to do whatever he'd like with a hatchet, or anything else, whenever he wants.
5. Madonna - Santa should give Madonna the power to occasionally possess Elton John's Real Doll and scare the shit out of him.
6. Coldplay - Santa should relieve all pressure on the band to constantly strive to be the greatest, yet blandest, band of all time. Compared to Coldplay, even the Beach Boys look edgy.
7. Radiohead - Santa has delivered lots of Monopoly games over the years. For Radiohead, they really should just get a "Get out of jail free" card, but in this case, it should read, "You don't need to be weird all the time."
8. Danzig - Too easy. More cat litter. Santa loves his pussies.
9. Miley Cyrus - Santa feels sad for Miley because she works so hard to be shocking all the time, so he's giving her some shag carpeting and a couple years' supply of wool socks.
10. Rolling Stones - Santa should give them both "Satisfaction" and the permission to retire. or at very least, permission to play small, dark clubs for the rest of their career.
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