10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
dogulove via Flickr

No matter how many police reports we read through on a monthly basis, the criminal creativity, stupidity, and craziness never ceases to amaze us.

Just when you think you've seen it all, there's always something worse. From the legendary tale of vagina branding, to a B-list celebrity freak-out, to a torn scrotum, and much more, we bring you the 10 craziest Phoenix-area crimes of the year:

See also:
-Crimes of the Month

10.) Actor Jason London's Poop in a Cop Car

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
David Shankbone [GFDL or CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Actor Jason London, best known, and perhaps only known, for his role as Randall 'Pink' Floyd in the movie Dazed and Confused, had a freak-out in Scottsdale earlier this year that peaked with him taking a dump in the back seat of a Scottsdale cop car. According to police, London sneezed in a man's face at the Martini Ranch bar, and after that guy got upset, London punched him in the face. When London was asked for his side of the story, he called the cop a "fucking hillbilly," and said the cops couldn't do anything for him, so he was arrested. "Guess what, faggot? I fucking love this! I fucking own you guys so hard," London told the arresting officer, according to the police report. "I'm rich and I'm a motherfucking famous actor! Fucking look me up, bitch!" The officer said he didn't respond anything, but London continued talking, saying, "It smells like shit in your car and your breath smells like diarrhea." The officer wrote in his report: "I looked back at him just in time for him to lean to the left and defecate in his pants. Then he said, 'I told you that I'm happy as shit!'"

See also: Jason London Took a Dump in a Cop Car

9.) Meth-Head in a Ceiling

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
Nathan Jongewaard via Flickr
You've probably heard tales of how meth-heads can get delusional, but this was something else. Police said Jason Meyers, 33, locked himself inside a lobby bathroom at a Tempe hotel, and refused to open the door for hotel staff and police. When police broke down the door, they found Meyers -- who was butt-naked and bleeding -- had broken a toilet, a fire alarm, and a trash can. He'd also smeared his blood all over the bathroom, and at one point, tried to climb through the ceiling. Turns out, Meyers explained that the meth caused him to run for his life from two imaginary people.

See also: Meth-Head Chases Imaginary People Into Ceiling

8.) Perhaps the Weirdest Murder-for-Hire Ever

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
Murder-for-hire plots are fairly uncommon, but a Mesa man took it to a completely different level. Mesa police said 20-year-old Devin Almejo made a Craigslist posting on Wednesday saying that he was looking for a gun to kill his grandfather. An undercover cop replied, and the two met up. Since Almejo said he wasn't experienced in using firearms, the undercover officer offered to kill Almejo's grandfather for him. Almejo offered an iPad, iPod, and a year's worth of free haircuts from himself as payment for the murder, according to police. Assuming the hitman has done the deed, Almejo took credit for killing his grandfather, by posting a picture on Facebook of a bloody hand and blood-stained kitchen, with the caption, "I just killed my grandfather," along with a smiley face.

See also: Devin Almejo Hires Hitman to Kill Grandfather

7.) 16-Year-Old Arrested for Tossing Newborn Out of a Window

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
Jan de Graaf via Flickr
A 16-year-old Mesa girl tossed her newborn baby out of a window in an attempt to hide her pregnancy from her family, according to the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office. Deputies believe the girl gave birth in the bathroom at the family's home, then tossed the baby out of the window, into the shed. The baby fell about five feet, and landed on brick. The newborn was hospitalized with the life-threatening injuries, but was expected to survive.

See also: Teen Arrested for Tossing Newborn Out of a Window

6.) A Demon in the Bedroom

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
Neal Burstyn via Flickr
Police started investigating an assault of a woman who was simply dropped off at the Paradise Valley Hospital on July 21. "The victim later stated that a demon had tied her up with chains and assaulted her," according to police. Meanwhile, her husband, 48-year-old Brian Reade, who had dropped her off at the hospital, called police to report that he thought he was the victim of whatever went down in the couple's bedroom. Police served a search warrant at the couple's home, and what happened became a little more apparent: There was a bloody rope that looked like it had been used to restrain her, while bloody bolt-cutters were apparently used to cut the woman's toes. Police also discovered a length of chain that matched some injuries on her back. These were all in a trunk at the end of the bed, which included what police call "bondage items," in addition to whips, dildos, and ball gags. Police also noted two eyelets on the ceiling above the bed, and in the wall at the head of the bed, which are "possibly used for bondage-type situations." So Reade, and not any demon, was arrested for the alleged assault, given the extent of his wife's injuries, which included broken bones in her face.

See also: Phoenix Man Dumps Wife at Hospital, Drives Off

5.) The Scrotum Rip

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
Coolcaesar via Wikimedia
A Phoenix man was hospitalized earlier this week after his wife allegedly yanked on his testicles during an apparent argument, causing his scrotum to tear open. Sylvia Yazzie, 39, faced two felony charges for the alleged attack. Police did not indicate any motivation for the attack, but says she pulled his testicles "in anger, causing the scrotum to tear and bleed." Her husband told police he felt like he was going to lose consciousness during the attack, and he was transported to a nearby hospital to be treated.

See also: Phoenix Woman Yanks on Husband's Testicles

4.) Woman Pulls Bag of Weed and Pipe Out of Her Vagina

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
eggrole via Flickr
A Phoenix cop smelled marijuana coming from a car in April, and he pulled over the driver, who eventually came to a complete stop . . . in a Burger King drive-thru. "As I approached the vehicle, I smelled a strong odor of marijuana coming from inside it, even though I didn't see anything in plain view," the arresting officer reported. "I told the driver to keep the window down and drive approximately 20 feet to get out of the drive-thru of Burger King." While the officer unsuccessfully searched the car for the marijuana, the passenger of the vehicle, 23-year-old Stephanie Lopez, made a "spontaneous statement" that the marijuana was in her pants, according to the documents. Sure enough, Lopez pulled a bag of weed and a glass pipe out of her vagina, police said. Rolling papers were also found, but those were inside the vehicle.

See also: Woman Pulls Bag of Weed and Pipe Out of Her Vagina

3.) The Worst Place for a Pound of Meth

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
U.S. Customs and Border Protection
So this was pretty far outside of Phoenix, but it's something we can't ignore for a list like this. A woman was caught trying to smuggle a pound of meth into the United States by hiding the stash in her vagina. A pound of meth. A federal complaint says agents noticed part of a broken condom hanging out of 31-year-old Claudia Ibarra's pants as they patted her down at the port of entry in San Luis. Ibarra had to be taken to a hospital in Yuma because the package "could not be removed from her body," and the package of meth, weighing exactly one pound, was successfully removed by medical professionals.

See also: Border Agents Find a Pound of Meth in Woman's Vagina

2.) Baby Dies While Dad Stands by, Getting High

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
Alan Cleaver via Flickr
Phoenix police said Daniel Gray didn't realize for several hours that he left his 3-month-old son in a hot car, even though he was smoking weed right next to the car at one point. Gray's 3-month-old son, James, died in the car, which was parked behind a sports bar where Gray works. Gray told officers that he went inside -- without the baby -- and came back to his car almost two hours later, and found the baby inside the car. He tried to bring the baby inside the kitchen's cooler, and fan him off, as 911 was called, but it was too late. The baby was grey in color, and had a core temperature of 107 degrees, which was recorded at the hospital, according to court documents. Although Gray never said anything about going outside during those two hours, another employee told police that he was smoking pot with Gray next to the car, although he said he didn't even know Gray had children.

See also: Dad Didn't Notice Baby Dying in Car as He Stood Next to It

1.) The Vagina-Brander

10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of 2013
Loren Kerns via Flickr
Christopher Lynn Jackson, the owner of a landscaping business called Lawn Tamers, has been accused by an ex-girlfriend of branding his initials into her vagina. Police said an examination showed that the letters "C" and "J" were still "clearly" branded to her vagina, and the woman said Jackson did it after drugging her. Jackson "bragged" to his now-ex-girlfriend about doing the same thing to other girlfriends in the past, according to police. He said he did it to her because "her vagina was his," the woman told police. Jackson was later arrested again after police allegedly found a video of Jackson having sex with his dog.

See also: Jackson Branded His Initials Into His Girlfriend's Vagina

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