14 Terrifying Arizonans You Could Be For Halloween
Illustrations by Mark Poutenis
14. Jan Brewer
All you need is a blond wig, a severely wrinkled Grandma mask, and a sinister desire to pick on Mexicans. Always mention that the cartels "done did" be-headings in the desert when asking for Halloween candy.
13. Cathi Herrod
Grab a Bible, slap on some red lipstick that would make a circus clown proud and start telling people Roe v. Wade and same-sex marriage are the work of the devil.
**Need validation? Bring along a Satan-clad sidekick.
12. Maynard James Keenan
Embrace your inner rock star by dressing up as the famous rocker-front-man-turned-winemaker, but remember to give a death stare to anyone who dares ask you about Tool.
**Bonus: this costume gives you an excuse to carry around a bottle of wine (don't forget to uncork before you go out).
11. John McCain
Stuff some marshmallows in your cheeks, sport a bad comb-over wig, and start shuffling around while making passive-aggressive jokes about how you soooo don't care that you lost the presidential election in 2008.
10. Jodi Arias
Did someone say, "slutty murderer-from-hell costume"?
9. Dotty, the Dead Salt River Horse
Get a horse costume, cover it in blood, and ta-da, you're the arguably politically incorrect winner of any Halloween costume party.
8. Jon Ritzheimer
If you feel like ranting and raving the night away, then this costume's for you. All you need is a Koran, a big gun, and a crazy look in your eyes like you're ready to snap at any moment and lash out at the nearest innocent Muslim.
**Bonus: Going as a group? Your friends can be your neo-Nazi sidekicks.
7. Brittney Griner
Throw on a dreadlocks wig, carry a basketball, and threaten to beat up everyone who doesn't give you candy.
6. Alice Cooper
The first rule of Halloween: there is no such thing as too much eyeliner.
5. Raúl Grijalva
Sure, he's endearing in a grinning grandpa-sort of way, but underneath the mustache is an unabashed desire to outlaw uranium mining! And nothing scares Arizona rednecks more than that.
4. Paul Babeu
This one's easy: shave your head, draw on a six-pack of muscles, and bring along a " Mexican ex-lover," whom you threaten to deport repeatedly because he broke up with you.
3. Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Two words: Pink Boxers (you know he's wearing them under that macho sheriff's uniform). Add an MCSO badge, and threaten to bust "illegals," no matter what a federal judge says, for maximum effect.
2. Diane Douglas
Get yourself some glasses, pearl earrings, and a sharp suit, and then spend the night campaigning to undo the entire state education system while throwing intermittent temper tantrums.
1. Jared Loughner
For the man who's easily the most terrifying person in recent Arizona history, the costume is relatively simple: Shave your head, draw dark circles under bulging eyes, and carry a gun.
(Variation: skip the gun and don an orange prison jumpsuit.)
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