50 Things Arizonans Should Not Be Thankful for This Year

50 Things Arizonans Should Not Be Thankful for This Year

Well, Arizonans, you can decide on your own what you might be giving thanks for this Thanksgiving, but we can tell you some things you shouldn't be thankful for.

In fact, we found 50 ways in which you can give no thanks this year:

See Also: 25 Reasons We're Thankful to Live in Phoenix

50.) The City of Surprise

There's nothing specifically wrong with the city itself; it's the name that bugs us. Surprise!

49.) Live Coverage of Car Chases

Fun when it's O.J. Simpson, not fun when it ends with a suicide on national TV.

48.) The Metal Part of Seatbelts During the Summer

a.k.a. a hot iron.

47.) Amy's Baking Company


46.) Killer Cacti

It does happen sometimes. Cacti kill. And we're not down with that.


50 Things Arizonans Should Not Be Thankful for This Year
Anderson Mancini via Flickr

45.) The Town of Florence

As noted in an ongoing New Times series, things aren't going so well for the town, thanks to the police force.

44.) Arizona's Pot DUI Law

Smoke a joint three weeks ago, get a DUI (even if you have a medical card) today. That's nonsense.

43.) The Polygamist Cult City

Time to get you some wives!

42.) The Arizona Diamondbacks Bullpen


41.) The Number of Bestiality Cases

Seriously, they seem to turn up with some frequency.


Travis Alexander and Jodi Arias.
Travis Alexander and Jodi Arias.

40.) People Who Think They're Funny Using the Phrase "Dry Heat"

A: "But it's a dry heat! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk." B: "Shut the hell up."

39.) Andrew Thomas

Why don't disgraced politicians ever just go away? Thomas, the former Maricopa County Attorney, is now disbarred and running for governor. The only thing he should be running for is the border.

38.) Jodi Arias

Just when we all thought we had enough drama queens in our lives, in came now-convicted murderer Jodi Arias.

37.) Those Two Weeks Every Year Valley Residents Have to Wear a Sweatshirt

Fifty degrees? Gross.

36.) The Efficiency of Solar Power

Sometimes, it feels like the sun's about 20 feet away. And we still have to pay an energy bill? Come on, science . . .


Coincidentally, it rhymes with "Better call Saul."
Coincidentally, it rhymes with "Better call Saul."

35.) Valley Fever

(The disease, not the New Times blog that everyone loves.)

34.) Arizona Iced Tea

The company has absolutely nothing to do with Arizona, the state. Shame on it.

33.) SB 1070

Good one, bigots. Looks like you failed in your mission to rid the state of the undocumented, while still piling up the costs for litigation. Bravo on the brains behind that.

32.) Mill Avenue Buskers

Between all the people who have tried to entertain people on Mill Avenue for a buck, none of them has ever had a single ounce of talent.

31.) Local TV Commercial Jingles

We get it. Our first two calls are to Lerner and Rowe, then George Brazil. There's something at the Room Store, and we're supposed to buy mattresses from the Bride of Chucky, Debbie Gaby.


Attorney General Tom Horne.
Attorney General Tom Horne.
Photo by Matthew Hendley

30.) "Accidental" Shooting Deaths

Thirteen of them, so far this year.

29.) Scorpions


28.) Tom Horne

If you love drama, then be thankful for Horne. If you're into public service and integrity and whatnot, then leave your thanks at the door.

27.) The Los Angeles Dodgers

They pissed in our pool.

26.) Sprawl

Unless you're a wealthy developer, in which case, be thankful.


A dust storm.
A dust storm.
Photo by Andrew Pielage

25.) People With Face Tattoos

Just check our mugshots of the week. You'll never see "face tattoo" and "hero" in the same sentence, unless the hero is saving women/children from a person with a face tattoo.

24.) Jumping Cholla

If you've ever brushed up against one of these, or spent the better part of an hour plucking its spines out of your dog's face, you understand why we're not thankful for these.

23.) Sun City

Although we suppose it does keep a lot of old people far away from the rest of us.

22.) Dust Storms

Enjoy driving home blind!

21.) The Word "Haboob"

Aren't you just so funny?


50 Things Arizonans Should Not Be Thankful for This Year
Illustration by Kyle T. Webster

20.) Yarnell Hill Fire Investigators

A-plus job on that one, guys. Not.

19.) Senator Jeff Flake's Parenting

Flake has five kids: Ryan, Alexis, Austin, Dallin, and N1ggerKiller.

18.) State Representative Steve Smith

In addition to supporting some dumb legislation, Smith also believes saying two prayers will make up for his atheist colleague not saying one. Lord, help us.

17.) Tempe Town Lake

Not only did the dam collapse, but it seems bodies are being pulled from it every few months. Also, it smells.

16.) Local TV News When the Story of the Day is the Temperature

Live: Ice melting! Later: Cooking things on a sidewalk! Betcha never seen this before!


This almost looks absolutely nothing like an actual tree. Thanks, wireless providers.
This almost looks absolutely nothing like an actual tree. Thanks, wireless providers.
Allan Ferguson via Flickr

15.) Racial Profiling

A staple of Maricopa County.

14.) The Cell Phone Towers That Look Like Palm Trees

They've never fooled anyone.

13.) Old Town Scottsdale

Home to celebrity arrests, violence, heavy drinking, and combinations thereof.

12.) The Color of Your House

Chances are, it's beige -- just like your neighbor's house, and his neighbor's house, and her neighbor's house, and my neighbor's house, and everyone's neighbor's house.

11.) The State Legislature

Never has a legislative body been so deserving of its nickname: "The Meth Lab of Democracy."


50 Things Arizonans Should Not Be Thankful for This Year

10.) Backroom Casting Couch

Yes, one of the biggest names in Internet porn is a local product, starring plenty of local, um, talent.

9.) Jan Brewer-isms

Nothing will outdo her debate performance, but watching the governor congratulate the Tusakee, Tusks, Tuh-see-gee, Tuskegee, Tuska-skee, Tuske-tuh, TUSKEGEE, Tus-kee-kee, Tus-kuh-kee Airmen was incredibly painful.

8.) Waiting Two Cycles at a Traffic Signal Thanks to the Light Rail

Green arrow coming in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . .GOTCHA! LIGHT RAIL! Better luck next time!

7.) ASU Fraternities

We're sure some ASU frats are doing just fine, behavior-wise. Some of them clearly are not.

6.) Anti-Medical-Marijuana Zealots

How can anyone really care that much about other people smoking pot? Seriously? Why is anyone ready to fight to the death against medical marijuana? More nonsense.


Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

5.) Snowbirds

In fact, we've got 10 (mostly) good reasons we don't like 'em.

4.) People Who Drive Like A-Holes

There's a special place in Hell for snowbirds who drive like a-holes.

3.) Child Protective Services

Eh, 6,000 kids, 6,000 schmids.

2.) White people

If you're a resident of one of Arizona's many Indian reservations.

1.) Sheriff Joe Arpaio

How could you have possibly expected anything else to top this?

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