50 Things Arizonans Should Not Be Thankful for This Year
Well, Arizonans, you can decide on your own what you might be giving thanks for this Thanksgiving, but we can tell you some things you shouldn't be thankful for.
In fact, we found 50 ways in which you can give no thanks this year:
50.) The City of Surprise
There's nothing specifically wrong with the city itself; it's the name that bugs us. Surprise!
49.) Live Coverage of Car Chases
Fun when it's O.J. Simpson, not fun when it ends with a suicide on national TV.
48.) The Metal Part of Seatbelts During the Summer
a.k.a. a hot iron.
47.) Amy's Baking Company
46.) Killer Cacti
It does happen sometimes. Cacti kill. And we're not down with that.
45.) The Town of Florence
As noted in an ongoing New Times series, things aren't going so well for the town, thanks to the police force.
44.) Arizona's Pot DUI Law
Smoke a joint three weeks ago, get a DUI (even if you have a medical card) today. That's nonsense.
43.) The Polygamist Cult City
Time to get you some wives!
42.) The Arizona Diamondbacks Bullpen
41.) The Number of Bestiality Cases
Seriously, they seem to turn up with some frequency.
Travis Alexander and Jodi Arias.
40.) People Who Think They're Funny Using the Phrase "Dry Heat"
A: "But it's a dry heat! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk." B: "Shut the hell up."
39.) Andrew Thomas
Why don't disgraced politicians ever just go away? Thomas, the former Maricopa County Attorney, is now disbarred and running for governor. The only thing he should be running for is the border.
38.) Jodi Arias
Just when we all thought we had enough drama queens in our lives, in came now-convicted murderer Jodi Arias.
37.) Those Two Weeks Every Year Valley Residents Have to Wear a Sweatshirt
Fifty degrees? Gross.
36.) The Efficiency of Solar Power
Sometimes, it feels like the sun's about 20 feet away. And we still have to pay an energy bill? Come on, science . . .
Coincidentally, it rhymes with "Better call Saul."
35.) Valley Fever
(The disease, not the New Times blog that everyone loves.)
34.) Arizona Iced Tea
The company has absolutely nothing to do with Arizona, the state. Shame on it.
33.) SB 1070
Good one, bigots. Looks like you failed in your mission to rid the state of the undocumented, while still piling up the costs for litigation. Bravo on the brains behind that.
32.) Mill Avenue Buskers
Between all the people who have tried to entertain people on Mill Avenue for a buck, none of them has ever had a single ounce of talent.
31.) Local TV Commercial Jingles
We get it. Our first two calls are to Lerner and Rowe, then George Brazil. There's something at the Room Store, and we're supposed to buy mattresses from the Bride of Chucky, Debbie Gaby.
Attorney General Tom Horne.
Photo by Matthew Hendley
30.) "Accidental" Shooting Deaths
Thirteen of them, so far this year.
28.) Tom Horne
If you love drama, then be thankful for Horne. If you're into public service and integrity and whatnot, then leave your thanks at the door.
27.) The Los Angeles Dodgers
They pissed in our pool.
Unless you're a wealthy developer, in which case, be thankful.
A dust storm.
Photo by Andrew Pielage
25.) People With Face Tattoos
Just check our mugshots of the week. You'll never see "face tattoo" and "hero" in the same sentence, unless the hero is saving women/children from a person with a face tattoo.
24.) Jumping Cholla
If you've ever brushed up against one of these, or spent the better part of an hour plucking its spines out of your dog's face, you understand why we're not thankful for these.
23.) Sun City
Although we suppose it does keep a lot of old people far away from the rest of us.
22.) Dust Storms
Enjoy driving home blind!
21.) The Word "Haboob"
Aren't you just so funny?
Illustration by Kyle T. Webster
20.) Yarnell Hill Fire Investigators
A-plus job on that one, guys. Not.
19.) Senator Jeff Flake's Parenting
Flake has five kids: Ryan, Alexis, Austin, Dallin, and N1ggerKiller.
18.) State Representative Steve Smith
In addition to supporting some dumb legislation, Smith also believes saying two prayers will make up for his atheist colleague not saying one. Lord, help us.
17.) Tempe Town Lake
Not only did the dam collapse, but it seems bodies are being pulled from it every few months. Also, it smells.
16.) Local TV News When the Story of the Day is the Temperature
Live: Ice melting! Later: Cooking things on a sidewalk! Betcha never seen this before!
This almost looks absolutely nothing like an actual tree. Thanks, wireless providers.
Allan Ferguson via Flickr
15.) Racial Profiling
14.) The Cell Phone Towers That Look Like Palm Trees
They've never fooled anyone.
13.) Old Town Scottsdale
Home to celebrity arrests, violence, heavy drinking, and combinations thereof.
12.) The Color of Your House
Chances are, it's beige -- just like your neighbor's house, and his neighbor's house, and her neighbor's house, and my neighbor's house, and everyone's neighbor's house.
11.) The State Legislature
Never has a legislative body been so deserving of its nickname: "The Meth Lab of Democracy."
10.) Backroom Casting Couch
Yes, one of the biggest names in Internet porn is a local product, starring plenty of local, um, talent.
9.) Jan Brewer-isms
Nothing will outdo her debate performance, but watching the governor congratulate the Tusakee, Tusks, Tuh-see-gee, Tuskegee, Tuska-skee, Tuske-tuh, TUSKEGEE, Tus-kee-kee, Tus-kuh-kee Airmen was incredibly painful.
8.) Waiting Two Cycles at a Traffic Signal Thanks to the Light Rail
Green arrow coming in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . .GOTCHA! LIGHT RAIL! Better luck next time!
7.) ASU Fraternities
We're sure some ASU frats are doing just fine, behavior-wise. Some of them clearly are not.
6.) Anti-Medical-Marijuana Zealots
How can anyone really care that much about other people smoking pot? Seriously? Why is anyone ready to fight to the death against medical marijuana? More nonsense.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
In fact, we've got 10 (mostly) good reasons we don't like 'em.
4.) People Who Drive Like A-Holes
There's a special place in Hell for snowbirds who drive like a-holes.
3.) Child Protective Services
Eh, 6,000 kids, 6,000 schmids.
2.) White people
If you're a resident of one of Arizona's many Indian reservations.
1.) Sheriff Joe Arpaio
How could you have possibly expected anything else to top this?
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