The problem with Xmas, as I see it, is that I'd rather just keep my money and buy myself whatever the fuck I want. But we're not allowed to do that. Even if you're born Jewish, Muslim, agnostic or atheist, your chances of escaping the clutches of this insidious holiday are quite low if you reside anywhere in the Western world. I mean, how many Jews do you know who don't observe Xmas? Even the frickin' Japanese in Japan go through the motions, though if you asked them what it was all about, they'd probably confess their belief it's just an excuse to wrap and give gifts, which is like sex for them.
Neither will your friends or family let you overlook the season. If you have enough dolo, you might be able to skip work and hole up somewhere with a keg of Jim Beam, a mound of blow, and a massive porno collection. But most of us have to work, so that's out. Feigning your own death might be worth it, but alas, this only works once a decade. The second time you do it, folks are quick to guess that you're not really dead.
So how does one endure all of that disgusting egg nog, the fruit cake, the perv playing Santa at work, and the enforced convivialness of Xmas parties and family get-togethers? Lots of the aforementioned bourbon will help. As well as a heart the color of obsidian. But I also look to dark humor and twisted Xmas songs, such as the these three, to be found on YouTube. They are the greatest anti-Xmas songs ever. Yahweh knows, we could use more of them. But here are the ones that always work for me, like a bar of Ex-Lax after consuming a big ol' box o' bran: They'll clean ya right out. Should you know of others, let me know, and I'll add more before December 25.
1) FEAR/Lee Ving, singing "Fuck Christmas":
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
2) The Kinks/Ray Davies, singing "Father Christmas":
3) The Pogues/Shane MacGowan & Kirsty MacColl, singing "Fairytale of New York":