Sheriff Joe seems to have mistaken a campaign event for a candidate for sheriff in Orange County, California, for a taping of Def Comedy Jam -- Def Comedy Jam with protestors.
Arpaio headed to the OC yesterday to speak at what was supposed to be a campaign event for sheriff's candidate Bill Hunt and as our sister paper, OC Weekly, points out, "a Joe Arpaio dinner show broke out."
As the sheriff was inside stealing the spotlight, scores of protestors outside sent Joe into an impromptu comedy show that apparently brought the house down.
Our friends at OC Weekly were nice enough to email us some of Joe's greatest hits, so here ya go:
1) "I apologize for the protesters outside. They go wherever I go, If you know a good Mexican restaurant, go and tell them where it is. I know in Phoenix I can't go to a Mexican restaurant. When I walk in, most of the workers run out the back door or spit in my food."
2) "[Hunt] and I come from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. We are probably the only two Republicans who came from there. We're both out west now. I'm older than he is. When I retire, I'll ride off into the sunset, but I don't ride a horse. I'll use a convertible."
3) "I'm a senior citizen. Sometimes I pick up a lot of votes because of that, especially in Sun City. When I talk in Sun City, I always tell them my age. In Scottsdale, which is snotty, kind of like Orange County, I tell them I'm 45."
4) "When I first ran for sheriff, I made a mistake. I've been married for 53 years. That's not the mistake. I never see my wife. The mistake I made was I said the sheriff should be appointed, not elected. If I had been appointed, I would have been fired 17 years ago. There would be no tents, no underwear, no nothing."
5) [Looking around for Hunt while talking about the candidate] "Where's Bill? Is he trying to get votes outside? I hope he speaks Spanish."
6) "We got Army tents from New Mexico. We made a midnight requisition. We set them up at a waste disposal plant. A half million people have gone through the tents. We only put the convicted people there. The 8,000 innocent people are in jail."
7) "We went to the Supreme Court. I got sued because I took away [inmates'] porno. They sued me, and I won that case. They try to sue me all the time. They can sue my toilet."
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8) [After being informed Bill Campbell was the member of the Orange County Board of Supervisors who'd recently visited his tents] "Why isn't he here? I'm here. Your sheriff [Sandra Hutchens] did not come. A captain did. I told the captain, 'Why are you here? Where is the sheriff?' He said, 'I dunno.'"
9) "I'm tough on animal abuse. If you abuse a dog, cat or horse, you are put in pink handcuffs. You go directly to jail. I don't care who it is. We just arrested a 61-year-old lady. She had all these animals. I had a nice jail that was empty and air conditioned because the inmates are in tents. So that's where we put the animals. But I put my foot in my mouth. I said we paid more to feed the dogs than the inmates."
10) "If they don't like me, don't insult the uniform. That's what they do: insult the uniform. One thing they know is I'm elected, they can't get rid of me. That's why I'm running again. I have a book titled America's Toughest Sheriff. My next one is going to be America's Oldest Sheriff."
Sorry Joe, those of us in Phoenix -- where you're actually the sheriff -- aren't even laughing on the inside