Attention, Birthers: Shut Up. Barack Obama Releases Long-Form Hawaiian Birth Certificate
Donald Trump must have flipped what is obviously his wig this morning when President Barack Obama shockingly unveiled his long-form Hawaiian birth certificate -- thus putting an end to the conspiracy based controversy over his citizenship (for anyone with half a brain, that is).
Why did the president finally release the document? He says it's because "we're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers."
most obnoxious noisiest sideshow and loudest barker, is taking all the credit.
Once he learned of the president's disclosure, "the Donald," who's currently pretending to run for president, met with reporters in New Hampshire where he patted himself on the back for putting an end to the issue he's fueled for the last two months.
"He should have done it a long time ago. I am really honored to play such a big role in hopefully, hopefully getting rid of this issue," Trump says.
Arizona has been at the forefront of the Birther debate -- ya know, being the only state in the entire country to consider ridiculous, conspiracy-based legislation addressing the matter, and all.
Arizona's legislative lunatics have introduced legislation requiring presidential candidates to prove their U.S. citizenship before their names are allowed on the ballot in the Grand Canyon State.
The bill failed last year, but passed this legislative session with a few modifications -- namely, allowing for documentation describing what a candidate's penis looks like as a means for proving citizenship.
Thankfully, Governor Jan Brewer had the sense to veto bill when it got to her desk, calling the bill a distraction, and noting that she "never imagined being presented with a bill that could require candidates for president of the greatest and most powerful nation on earth to submit their 'early baptismal or circumcision certificates' among other records to the Arizona secretary of state."
There you have it, birthers -- the party's over, now shut up.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Phoenix New Times' biggest stories.
- How 20 Metro Phoenix Cities Got Their Names
Wed., Feb. 10, 7:30pm
Thu., Feb. 11, 8:00am
Fri., Feb. 12, 7:00pm
Mon., Feb. 15, 7:00pm
- Arizona Pro-Marijuana Forces Steamrolling Pot Prohibitionists in Fundraising
- Legislation Would Force Arizona Schools to List Immunization Rates for Infectious Diseases